The phases of accepting a weight GAIN

For me,

First there is denial...you know, where you get on the scale more than once.
Then, there is the crying...which actually feels kind of good.
Then, there is the 'this isn't worth it' phase...
And finally there is the pissed off 'well I'm gonna work my ass off so hard that next time it is gonna be different!!' phase...
Last but not least, there is the realistic phase, where you look back and see what you can improve, accept that it just doesn't make sense you gained, and move forward.

If you are lucky you get to the last phase.
And I think I have, though there might be a bit more crying today.

So you guessed it, I saw a gain, a 4 pound gain after three weeks of busting my butt.
And I know that I feel and look different, I know that I have lost fat. When I really think about it I'm confident of the fact. But the fact is also that I haven't been drinking enough water this week. I haven't been eating a balanced diet. I may have been 1500 calories or less this week, but they've usually been in one sitting. NOT a good thing. And my body is just tired. Who knows what is really going on.

So, I'll take this day as an opportunity to reassess my diet and exercise, and come up with a plan to make sure that next time the only phase I will have to deal with is celebration!! :)

Stand by for more details...

Getting Back In the Grove

So, I feel like there should be search parties out for me or something...I feel like I've been gone for so long. I feel guilty, but man, have I ever been out of it! Getting back in the grove is difficult. The last few days I haven't been eating bad, but it hasn't been balanced feeling. I also have not been able to exercise because I feel so weak. But today, I felt a lot better, so I knew that I had to start pushing it again. I don't really have time to lose.

This morning I got up and went swimming for about 20 minutes. It took me about 3 hours to convince myself to leave the house and go to the gym. I just felt awful, but as soon as I hit the water I felt sooooo much better. Freer almost. Then tonight I went to an ab class and spinning. I just can't do the ab classes. I feel so stressed and rushed the whole time that I strain my neck. Spinning was okay, but I was having some severe heart burn and didn't push it as hard as I should. Still, I pushed it more than I have been, and it was nice to at least to try to get back in the grove.

I've really missed reading blogs and stuff. With this transition at work, I just don't have the time. But tomorrow morning I'm gonna get up early before weighing in AND YES I'M GONNA WEIGH IN TOMORROW :)....I will hopefully have time to catch up on some blogs.

Hopefully everyone is doing great, I will have an awesome update for tomorrow and will get to leave some comments.

Have a good one :)

Out Sick

So Sunday night I got REALLY sick. Could barely sleep and was in the bathroom most of the night with a stomach virus or something. Monday morning I really tried to get up and get dressed, but I almost fell over every time I stood up. So, I called in sick and spent 99.9% of the day in bed. I didn't exercise, sigh, but I didn't over eat either. In fact, I didn't eat for most of the day. Today I'm at work, but I'm still very tired and very weak. Today was supposed to be a hard core workout day, but I think I'm going to allow myself to rest. If I feel like spinning at 7, I'll do that...but as for the belly dance and pilates class I wanted to try? Well, those will have to wait until next week.

This sucks because I have the 5K this Saturday.
This sucks because this Friday I AM going to weigh in (I promise).
This sucks because I feel like I'm stagnant and not moving forward.

But I refuse to allow this to suck anymore than it does, therefore I am not going to overeat.

Hopefully I'll be back at full steam tomorrow.
Thanks for all your comments. They always make me smile and remind me I'm not alone...so I can't screw up, lol.

Weekends, the bane of my existance...

This weekend has not been perfect. Far from it. But, I am not so far off the beaten track that I can't find my way back. Yesterday I did not post, might as well come clean on that one, as if you didn't know. I ate way too much yesterday and did minimum exercise. So, it was definitely a maintenance day.

Today was better. Got up early this morning and went kayaking with Sam and Helen. It was beautiful out. I love kayaking, it has been too long since I've gone, and I'm excited that it will be warming up soon so I can good more often. I've also eaten good today.

Well, looking back on it, maybe this weekend wasn't really the bane of my existence. In fact, doesn't seem that bad looking back on it. I am very tired though, so this is it for tonight. Sorry to be so boring, but man, I'm tired.

Have a great night all!

Perfect 10, Sassy & saving a grasshoppers life!

So, unfortunantly, I have not made any great improvements in the Perfect 10 Challenge. Well, I guess that isn't completely true. I have been drinking more water!! But I have not been doing my crunches :( I've gotta do them, I am doing so much, I can't ignore this one little thing that will take less than five minutes every day!!! So I am resolved. Next week WILL be perfect!! :)

So, something not everyone knows about me...Hmmm, this is always difficult. Oh, hey, how about something I just discovered about myself today!?

I am a grasshopper philanthropist!! :)

So, I ran at work. There is this trail and it is really nice. So I'm running, trying to clear my mind, trying not to think of the pain, looking at my feet, one step after another after another and OMG!....

I don't know how I saw him, but I did, and he was right in my path, and I jumped...hahaha, like a foot in the air! It was hilarious. And all this happened in a split second. I had gone like 2 miles at this point, and that I had the energy to react that quickly and jump was just amazing.

I am doing great on my personal 21 day SASSY challenge! Monday will be 21 days that I have worn makeup and taken the extra time to look kind of girlie. It has actually been pretty easy, gone by quickly, and I do feel that it has become a routine.

Today turned out to be an awesome day. I ran 2.75 miles, rode a bike for 30 minutes, and swam for about 30 minutes as well. Helen even said I was doing better! Yay!!! That really boosted my confidence. I really like hanging out with her. It is kind of weird. I usually don't like people, lol.

Oh, and one other thing. Our friend 'Cow', as we call him (no it isn't because he looks like a cow), came in town. He hasn't seen me since November. He said, and I quote, "Wow, you look like an entirely different person every time I see you." That made me pretty darn happy :)

Okay all, have a great night!

Don't be mad...

But I'm not weighing in today.

I just know I'm gonna get a snappy message from Kyra when she reads this, lol. I have some very good reasons for this. First of all, today is my last full day at this job and I have a TON of work to do, so I got here really really early. My best bud Candy is having kind of a bad week, and I was not going to bother her at 4 a.m. when I woke up. I know she loves me and would have put up with me, but I don't think I even love myself enough to not be annoyed at 4 a.m., haha. So, I'm going to wait until next Friday. This is a very good lesson in self control, I know it is, but I am on pins and needles wanting to know if I've lost. But, like my post said yesterday, it is getting easier. This is the last week of January (can you believe another month is almost gone!?) and I am going to make it count!! I really want to weigh in next Friday at 185 or less. 185 is the end of my BMI being in an obese category, so it will be a big step if I can get there. So...sorry folks, hold on to next Friday.

So, instead of a new weigh in number, I am going to post a couple of pictures and say some great things that I have experienced this last week. After all, a number on the scale isn't the only thing we are working for (at least that is what I keep telling myself.)

First up, here are two pics of me.
The one on the left was me at 200ish pound on 1/1/2010
The one on the right was taken yesterday, 1/21/2010, weight unknown.

I just have to remind myself that I am not at the end of the journey when I look at this picture. But I am on the downside of the mountain, so that is good.
I'm not wearing the same outfit, so let me recap some differences that I know are happening you may not be able to see..

1. My face, I can even see it in these pictures there is a difference there.
2. My skin has been really radiant lately.
3. So has my hair!
4. My arms are smaller, again, harder to see here. Maybe I should take a pic of me flexing, lol.
5. My roll is smaller. The pants I'm wearing in the picture on the left fit much easier than they did on 1/1.
6. And finally, and sorry if this is TMI, but last night when my husband and I were doing what husbands and wives do best, lol....He stopped and was like, "WTF is going on with your ribs?" I was alarmed and asked what was wrong. He exclaimed, "I can feel them. I can feel your ribs. I've never ever felt them before." So yeh, that was pretty cool.

Okay, well, I am going to get some work done. I'm pretty sure I'll be posting up again later.

Have a great day!
Olivia

Mirror mirror, the MS150, and My Readers

Yesterday I wrote a little blurb about how I hate looking in the mirror right now. Well, after I wrote that something AMAZING happened! Yesterday after work I went to the gym, did 10 minutes on the elliptical, and then went to a strength training class. Talk about mirrors, that class has three walls of mirror, and I got stuck in the front of the class. Full frontal view of me working my butt off, oh yeh. But now for the amazing part! I was happy to look at myself!! I thought I looked, pretty good. Yeh, yeh, yeh, that nagging voice in my head keeps saying, "You still have a ways to go." Well, today I'm telling that voice to "Shut the F&%# up!" ((excuse my language)). I DID look good. I even looked, dare I say, pretty. It was so nice to see not a morbidly obese girl, just a kind of over weight girl, lol. Not to mention the class was really awesome! I'm gonna start doing that on Wednesday instead of regular weight lifting in the morning.

And THEN ((actually before this, but you get the point)), a coworker sent me a totally unprompted message saying that I looked really good in a meeting earlier that day. She said I have really pretty cheek bones :) <----just imagine that smiley with big pretty cheek bones plz!

And THEN another amazing thing happened...I stopped worrying about weigh day this Friday. Well full stop may be an exageration, but I certainly don't care as much. I am full aware that I may have put on some muscle the last couple of weeks from increased swimming and weight lifting. But I can SEE the difference! The weight will come off in its own time.

OMG, I sound crazy with all this logicalness! :) :) :)

Okay, moving on....Yesterday I sent out an email to friends/family/coworkers telling them I have signed up for the MS150 (A bike ride from Houston to Austin, Texas to raise money for multiple sclerosis.) When you sign up for this bike ride you are required to raise at least $400 before the ride. I hate asking for money, but I don't really have $400 to throw at this, especially since I need to spend money on a road bike to do it. Amazingly (lots of amazings yesterday, I know) in the first day after sending out this email I am already 40% of the way to my goal of $400! People are being so generous. And beyond generosity it makes me realize that they believe in me! Not to mention now I really have to do it since people are putting money towards it, lol. Feel free to look at my MS150 Page!

Last but not least I really just want to thank anyone who stops by and reads my blog. To those who comment and even those who don't, knowing that you are watching and support me really helps to keep me accountable. This is the most I've ever talked about my dieting attempts, and the most honest I've ever been. I think it is really making a difference.

Okay, today I'm taking a rest day and fast day. I am really tired and sore, and I want to give my body a day to adjust. Tomorrow is weigh day! I'm honestly just hoping to see a 4 lb weight loss, since it has been two weeks since I have weighed in. That will put me at a very special marker...a total weight loss of 80 pounds. Well, stop by tomorrow to see if I've made it.

I hope everyone has a great day!

Slept late, but...

I needed it. Yesterday I did push myself. I went swimming for 20 minutes in the morning. Very lite and very nice cardio. Then in the afternoon I ended up doing a 60 minute pilate class w/my newest bud Kyra and then drove like a bat of hell to 24 hour fitness for a spin class w/Helen. I did not do all that on an empty stomach, opting instead to eat half an energy bar before pilates. But man, was I ever tired.

That pilates class really surprised me. I am definitely sore today. It is one of the healthiest 'sores' I've ever felt though. It isn't pain really, I just feel like my body is getting stronger.

The teacher of the class was really cool. She was foreign, and when ever she would say exhale she said, "Excel!" Kind of funny, huh? You can either take that to mean she is talking about a spreadsheet or that she is saying "Excel at that plank!"

Spinning was also great. It was my favorite instructor from forever ago, and I think Helen liked it too. I was a bit tired so I didn't push it as much as I would have liked to in spin, but I'm pretty sure I still burned a lot of calories.

So yeh, sleeping in this morning, was a good idea. And it really wasn't sleeping in. I went to bed around 10, waking up at 6 is eight hours of sleep. Just sucks that I don't have time to go for a swim this morning. But I'll definitely go tomorrow.

Today is probably going to be a long day. I have SOOOO much to do at work because it is my last week before I start training the new person. Plus the other secretaries want to go out to eat today. I suggested Luby's because they kind of have some healthy choices. But everyone else wants to go to Perry's Steakhouse. I can't find any nutritional information on this place. So, I'm just going to have to be extra careful. They supposedly make very good pork chops, so I'll probably get one of those and eat maybe half of it, and skip the mashed potatoes that come with everything there.

For breakfast this morning I tried some super low cal high fiber hot cereal. And I have to say it is pretty yucky. Even after putting some banana, strawberry, milk & sugar in it I can't finish the bowl. I might eat the other half of that energy bar for breakfast.

For exercise today I'm about to do a bit of yoga to stretch myself out of this soreness, then at 4 today I'm going to go for a run, and at 5 Helen has invited me to a strength training class. I've been to one of these classes before and didn't like it. Mainly because my upper body is SOOOOO weak! But, I have been getting a lot more muscular lately, so who knows. I may surprise myself, and as Helen pointed out, "That is why you go to the class!" True, true.

One last thing, then I'll stop droaning on :)

I just hate looking in the mirror right now. It is like I just see every imperfection, especially when I'm in my birthday suit. And I'm trying so hard. It takes time though, and I know it is worth it. One day I will look in the mirror and finally see what I'm improving. But for right now I'm just trying not to look. I'm so tired of seeing fat rolls, stretch marks, and cellulite staring back at me :(

But damn it! I'm gonna change!! :) See there, I am going out on a positive note. Have a great day everyone.

Tuesday, no Monday, what the heck day is it!?!?!?

Yesterday being an off work day has made me feel kind of topsy turvy. I did do good yesterday...Had a piece of homemade pizza for breakfast (200 Calories), a big and delicious grilled chicken salad w/tea and just a couple of chips & queso (gonna round this up to 600 calories). For dinner I had rice, chicken and brussel sprouts (it was originally going to be couscous, but somehow I messed up the couscous. Honestly, who does that?). I also went for a run/walk for 45 minutes, then went to the gym and did about 15 minutes of weight lifting. I wanted to swim but there were two people in every lane, so I didn't get to. Pretty good for a day that I didn't have the routine of work to depend on.

Yesterday Aaron and I went and looked at road bikes (Aaron is my hubby, not sure if I ever mentioned his name.) It was so COOL! I found one at Sun & Ski Sports that was $850, a little out of my price range, but that thing was so pretty and light and it made my heart flutter. After doing some research online and talking to Aaron's brother (who is a road bike fanatic), we found a bike online that is sold at another store that is comparable for only $650. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get that on 2/1. I am so excited to get a road bike. I want to travel down lonely stretches of road, listening to music, pushing myself, and watching the world go by. It gives me goose bumps.

Another cool thing is that Aaron's brother was super excited that I was doing the MS150!!! ((There will be a more extensive post on this later)) He even said that if a spot opens up on his team he'll let me know. His team is sponsored by a beer brewery, so yeh, they get a lot of free alcohol on the trip. So yeh, that would be freaking awesome!!

Today is a fast day. I was REALLY tempted to break my routine of Tuesday/Thursday's being fast days...but I know that is a dangerous thing to do. Plus this week I want to be extra good. There is no escaping the scale this Friday (So Candy, be ready at 6a.m.!!) I need to stick with my routine, and push it.

I realized this weekend that I really need, and even want, to push myself harder. I still have a long way to go, but that kind of makes me excited! I get to experience the process of getting better at so many things! When you think about it, is there any better feeling than accomplishing something? Well, I have to start out somewhere to accomplish anything, and here I am!!

So today I am going to push it with some cardio. Don't worry, if I feel light headed I'll eat. I don't want to pass out or anything. But I'm going to head to the gym for a little bit of swimming, because I know I have a long way to go with that.

Have a good Monda....er, I mean TUESDAY!!

Realizations, It's still a long way to go...

This weekend I went to Waco. I consider that area of Texas my 'home', the place I grew up, and the place I don't ever want to live in again. Usually, when I'm driving the four hours to get there, I go through an array of emotions. I guess the best way to describe it is that I feel like I'm transforming back into the way I 'was', the Olivia everyone used to know, the 'pleasing' child that everyone still expects. At least, I feel like they do. But this trip was different. I felt stronger as I drove mile after mile. This is something that has never happened before. It was unfamiliar stomping ground, going to Waco and feeling like myself. I won't rehash every emotional feeling I experienced while there, but this one was very important.

I said some goodbyes in Waco this time. Goodbyes to my old self. I know now that I will never see her again. Saturday morning I got up and went for a walk/run. On the way back I went down the street where I grew up. I passed by my old best friend Lindzy's house. There were some random cars in the driveway, and I wondered if they had any idea that Lindzy's grandma used to live there. I also saw my grandparents house. That made me tear up a lot, as it always does. The simplicity of childhood is something I'll always miss, but I do now realize that I would never want to return to the ignorance of it. Where everyone can easily lie to you, manipulate you...and that realization brought into perspective the sweet memories of my grandparents; picking strawberries with my grandma on the side of the house, my grandpa in his chair...I knew that I needed to do something I hadn't done since I was a child.

So the next day my mother and I went to their grave site. It was very peaceful there, but that was all. There was no lingering spirit of my Nana or Papa. They were gone. To where? I don't know. But the fact that they had moved on was testament enough that I needed to. It is like following tracks in the woods and suddenly they stop and now you have to choose your own direction. I was looking for Nana & Papa, but they went on a trail that I haven't seen yet, so now I have to make my own. It is up to me...and that is liberating.

This weekend wasn't just full of somber moments :) I went swimming w/Tootie twice and had a blast. She has really got the swimming thing down, but I am confident I will get there. She gave me some great tips, and I am really gonna work on it so that next time I see her she will be able to tell a difference. I also fit into a pair size 14 capris! I've fit into a 14 before, but the material in the pants were kind of stretchy. These capris were not stretchy at all and they fit! Yay. I really want to push it this week so that when I go to buy clothes next weekend I can buy all 14s. I don't ever want to see a size 16 again!!!!

I saw a lot of family this weekend. Most of them said, "Wow, you look good!" I can't really take all those to heart, because I don't know how many of them were influenced by my mom saying, "Livi's lost weight! Make sure and say something."

This is weird but sometimes it frustrates me when people say I look good, because it feels like they think it is the end. I want to wave my arms and say, "Hey, I'm not done yet! You ain't seen the last of this!" But no one in my family, at least very few of them, seem to understand. I guess I can't even explain it here on my blog...I want to reach my goal, and this isn't it.

Sigh...we did take pictures. I honestly don't want to post them because they are what made me realize I still have such a long way to go. But I have to look at it in a way that I am leaving even that Olivia in Waco. I won't see her again. And when I go back I will take others and it will be a totally different person looking back. So here goes...

(FYI - these were taken with one of those under water camera's so I'm sorry the quality was so low.)

Me and Tootie (I'm on the left)

I really don't know what I'm doing in this picture, lol

This is the one I didn't want to post. I mean, neither of us are looking exactly elegant in this pose, but crap. I don't want to be the chubby girl anymore. But, if I'm honest with myself I know I used to be even bigger than this. Still, I'll be revisiting this pose when I'm skinnier, and instead of looking dorky fat, I'll look dorky cute like Tootie. Okay, enough beating up on myself...

Tootie & Tim, her husband.

My nieces, Erin and Alex. Aren't they so adorable in their little swim caps?? :)

Lol.

Tim attempting to save his woman.

In this picture I can see the family resemblance, kinda, lol.

Me looking awesome!

Alright, so this weekend wasn't bad. I got in some good exercise, and I think on Friday and Saturday I had calorie deficits. Not too shabby. But, I'm really ready to make this week a killer. Especially since next week I start my new job, next weekend I get to go clothes shopping, and I have just found out some friends may be coming in from out of town.

Let's make it happen people!! :)

Very very very quick post.

Things are good, don't really have much time to post though :) I'll definitely post more when I get home tomorrow...but I've kept my word and posted.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Updates

Yay! It is Friday and I think I am finally over being a negative whinny biotch! :) My alarm went off at 3:30 a.m. and I jumped out of bed raring to go!! You know what is odd to me? Yesterday was a fast day, and I made it, but I was bored all day so it was very difficult not to eat (see what I did there? I realized I wasn't hungry, I was just bored. Ah yeh, I'm learning to recognize the whys)...so all day I was REALLY wanting some food. Then this morning when I got up, well you might think I'd binge or something, but nope. I was almost not hungry at all. Just thought that was interesting.

So it is Friday. You'll notice that little box to the right where it says 2010 Weigh Ins, but I have made the executive decision to not weigh today. Booooooo Hissssssss! I have done good this week, but I am experiencing something that can often cause bloating, etc. I know I have to learn to deal with this kind of thing. I mean, not every week is going to have some big loss. But, I can't really afford to go into some depressed downward spiral right now. Especially since I am going to visit my mom this weekend who will inevitably say, "You aren't eating enough," or worse yet she'll cook 'healthy'. It is healthy because the butter melts into the chicken and you can't see it btw...only unhealthy if it is fried. Lol. I think that it may be a good self control lesson to myself not to weigh today because I was seriously having the desire to go buy my own scale yesterday. I was working out the logistics like, "I wonder if I can find a scale just like Candy's so it will be accurate..but she won't want me to buy one so I can't ask her where she got it...but it is a nicer one so I bet she got it at Target, not Wal-mart.." And so on, and so on. See people, I really do have a problem with the scale. Maybe waiting another week to weigh in is a good thing, plus I'll hopefully have a loss by then and that is always fun :)

This weekend I am going to Waco, Texas. Woohoo! The black hole of Texas as I like to call it. I'm excited, especially since I get to see my sister Tootie and take a swimming lesson with her. Pics will be posted. Maybe they will motivate me to keep swimming because she has a great body. I am worried though. My mom has assured me we will eat healthy all weekend. But my mom has never counted calories. She thinks she is doing good with eating a salad covered in ranch dressing. All I can do is my best though. I will just have to practice really good portion control. I was also thinking of volunteering to make us dinner Saturday night or something. Maybe make one of those Veggie pizzas I made the other day. Hmmmm.....good idea! I think I'll try it :D

I am so psyched about next week. The rain is supposed to go away and it is supposed to be in the 60s! Yay! There is the Texas I know and love! That also means that I have no more excuses not to be running more. And I neeeeeeed to run more! My goal is going to be to run 3 miles Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday. I know I can do this!!

So, today I am due to do a Perfect 10 Challenge Update. I'm sorry to say I haven't really improved much on my goals since last weeks update :( I have been doing more crunches, but that was only 100 crunches three days of the week. Sleep has also been lacking the last couple of days because my husband has really wanted to talk to me when he comes to bed. I may have to talk to him about that, because I can really feel a difference when I just get 6 hours of sleep as opposed to 8. This next week I am determined to really kick it up on the challenge. 2/10 weeks are already gone! Feels like we just started yesterday!

And here is the part where I post something that not everyone knows about me..Hmmmm....

I have never been, and have no desire to go, on a roller coaster!

I want to sky dive, but for some reason this terrifies me to no end, lol.

Alright, well i have already spent way more time on here than I intended. I still need to pack for my trip. I will REALLY try to update my blog on Saturday, but I can't make any promises. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

((Woops! Forgot to say how I'm doing of on my 21 day habit changing goal of becoming more sassy by spending some time every morning and some extra time every week to groom and get pretty. I'm happy to say that I've now made it 12 days without stopping!! Very excited to be forming this new habit, and every day I'm rewarded by compliments and my husband saying he can't stand it if I get any prettier :) Oh well, he'll just have to learn to deal with it.))

Batman

So, yesterday's post was so pissy and I feel so bad for bringing all that negativity up in this blog, and even though I still feel kind of 'off' and a little sick...well, I'm gonna post something positive! AND I might even post again tonight if I feel like it!! Take that BRAIN for making me be all crazy!

Or maybe I should be blaming my ovaries? But seeing as there are no fun cartoon ovaries, sorry brain, you are taking the heat for my malfuncations.

So, on to the title of my post...

Da na na na na na na na,

Da na na na na na na na,

Da na na na na na na na,

Batman!

Lol, okay, I hope that song is in everyone's head for the rest of the day :) This morning I was getting ready for the shower and I was inspecting my progress in the mirror while wearing the best suit for the job, my birthday suit. This is always a dangerous idea, because I usually spot the areas I still want improvement in. But today, I saw something that surprised me.

My batwings are getting small!!!!

You know what I'm talking about ladies, and probably gents. That flap on your arm, that you can shake around, like a wing, lol. I used to gain some air from those suckers. But today I noticed that the hangy down flab only goes about half way down my upper arm and then my arm is smaller than it was. Not to mention the bat wing that is left is smaller too.

Dang weight loss, now I'll never be able to fly!!

Lol, just kidding. I am very happy, and I am also very excited because I'm going to start spending some extra time on my arms when doing strength training. Maybe someday I really will be able to wear a sleeveless shirt! I always said I would, but I didn't really ever think I could.

Okay, so here is to today being better than the last. Have a good one all!

50th Post

So this is my 50th post, kinda cool.

Today was good. Pretty much text book good. But I'm tired and bloated....and I am kind of ready for today to be over. I guess I'll rehash the day for blogging sake...

Woke up,

ate a surprisingly delicious new breakfast of these special crackers w/almond butter and banana,

went to gym,

lifted weights,

ran a mile,

biked 5 miles,

swam 15 minutes,

went to work,

ate Indian Food for lunch (stayed about from all carbs though),

was really bored at work,

accidentally went psycho emotional woman on my husband,

left work,

ran a mile in the park,

felt a bit better,

called an appologized to husband,

got stuff to make homemade pizza for dinner,

made my husband a pepperoni and cheese pizza,

made me a veggie pizza that was delicious!,

tried watching Mamma Mia,

discovered Mamma Mia is a huge disappointment,

got on the computer and wrote this.

I don't know why I feel so pissy. Well, I do, and it is a girl thing. But, I'm sticking to my diet. That is good. Still not sure if I want to weigh in this Friday...I do, but I don't. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be a little more chipper and will be able to decide.

Sorry this wasn't a more inspiring post. I just feel BLAH!

Hope everyone is in a better mood than I am :)

Tuesday, Fast Day, Hurt Tummy Day, Good Day

Today was my fast day (you may be seeing a pattern on Tuesdays and Thursdays. They just work for fasting.) I am actually really glad I was fasting, because it eliminated a HUGE temptation today. I woke up this morning with severe stomach cramps, so bad that I came home at lunch. On these days (ladies, you know what I mean)...I usually get a bit...well, ravenous! And I can't tell you how easy it was NOT to binge since I was just not eating at all. I even sat and watched my husband eat a cheeseburger and fries from one of our favorite burger places, and I wasn't phased. As always I stayed well hydrated, no problems there.

The one thing that irritates me about fast days is that I don't exercise. I'm fasting for health, not weight loss...so, I want to allow my body time to heal itself. That is why I don't exercise, I want my body to be able to focus all its energy on detoxing and healing. But I still wake up in the morning at 4:00 a.m. chomping on the bit to go to the gym (lol, who said no one's excited to work out?)

So, I decided that if I feel that way I will start doing Yoga on Tuesday/Thursday/FastDay. I picked up a Yoga for Beginners movie at Walmart. I came home early from work, laid in bed until the ibproufin kicked in, and then opened the windows and rolled out my yoga mat...that was very dirty from being stuck in the corner of the garage for so long by the way. I'd also like to mention that we finally got a break in the freezing cold here in Houston, that is why I opened the windows. I have to say, I liked yoga. I have kind of tried it before, but I always had major issues with my balance...like dehabilitating imbalance issues. But I think the 77 pounds I've lost have made a difference (good golly, what a surprise!) It was still a challenge, but I really feel soooooo wonderful right now! I honestly thought yoga was probably some hippy bull...well at least the stuff about mental clarity and invigoration. But let me tell you, I feel invigorated as all hell!!! From stomach cramps to this!? I might do yoga EVERY day!

Yoga really was great, but I am raring to get into the gym tomorrow mourning and make my body work! I'm sure I'll be even more motivated after watching biggest loser tonight :)

My sister Tootie sent me an email today (her real name is elizabeth, but we call her tootie.) It was to tell me that I have motivated her. Tootie probably used to be about as big as I was in the beginning. Now she is so beautiful...really the perfect healthy size. She also said something that really stuck with me and I wanted to share it here...

"I have found I'd rather be tired from the battle

than tired from not trying."

Every day I am doubting less and less that I am going to make it. I am going to finish this. I know some days I will be tired from this battle...but I was tired every day when I weighed 269 pounds. It really is like a battlefield. I started facing a huge army of fat, and it was really difficult to face all those pounds at the same time. It took me a while, but now that I've knocked down their numbers I am fighting faster. I am able to concentrate on specific types of fat. I am in control of the battle, instead of it being in control of me.

Because when the fat was in control of me I could never imagine winning the war.

Alright people, have a great night!!

Monday, Monday...

I have to say today was a good start to the week. Woke up early, went to the gym; hit the weights, ran a mile, and then jumped in the pool. In the pool I worked on my breathing, and I do think I made some improvements. I did get a couple of nose fulls of water, but I'm confident I can learn to do this. And that makes me excited. That I have the confidence to try something new, even if every once and a while I burst out of the water coughing and sputtering. I'm still learning and improving...and I just keep going. That excites me.

I also ate healthy all day as well. Even COOKED (that is right, cooked) a healthy and tasty dinner of couscous, grilled chicken, and roasted veggies. It came out to a total of 350ish calories.

I can tell this is healthier than a microwave dinner that I might usually eat, because I'm way more full than usual.

Yesterday my husband and I did buy some Pepsi and Mountain Dew Throwback. These are limited time releases of real Pepsi. It is not made with high fructose corn syrup. It is made with REAL sugar. It is totally worth the 150 Calories.

It even comes in the cool old cans.

I'm allowing myself a can, if of course, I have the calories to spare.

It happened again today. I started thinking about weigh day. I started thinking last weigh day was a fluke and it made me really nervous. You see, this blog is the most transparent I have ever been about my weight loss. It terrifies me to think I might have to come on here and say that I gained any weight. In a way this is good. I feel like I've got to exercise and eat right, or else I'll

be

imberresed. But, it also makes me stressed, and that is not usually a good thing to combine with a diet.

I told Candy I was feeling this way, and she warned me that if I don't realize how ridiculous I am being that she won't let me use her 'asshole' anymore (asshole is what we have nicknamed scales in general). She suggested that I maybe do what she is doing and only weigh in once a month, or start tracking the inches I lost instead of weight. I just don't think that will work for me. You see, if I have a month before I weigh myself I think I will allow myself to cheat, thinking I'll have enough time to make up for it towards the end of the month. But...if I keep feeling this way I might start weighing myself every two weeks. We'll see how this Friday goes. If I have a loss this Friday I will know it isn't a fluke. Well, at least that is what I'm gonna keep telling myself :)

Today Candy nominated me for an award, my first one...the Beautiful

Blogger Award. So, I've got to list 7 random facts about me:

1. My favorite Disney princess is Sleeping Beauty (Brier Rose/Aurora)

2. When I was 15 me and my first boyfriend used to plan on having enough kids so that we'd have our own baseball team.

3. My husband and I don't want children.

4. For my 30th birthday I want to go kayaking in Alaska.

5. Sometimes I like to write...I usually write Fantasy. Sometimes it can get a little steamy ;)

6. I flunked my guitar class in college.

7. Right now, directly beneath me where I am laying on the bed, there is a shotgun.

My nominations for this award are:

Candy

Loretta

Tiff @ Project365

Jessi

Chris @ DeliberateLife

Tricia

and even though he is a guy...his journey has been and is beautiful...

Sean

Alright, so I'm thinking I might be going to sleep soon. Well, after the bachelor :) Have a good night all. I hope your start of the week was a good one, and if not, just kick butt tomorrow.

Back w/a Vingeance!!

So today was, in one word, AWESOME!

This morning I got up at 8:00 a.m. and met Helen at 24 Hour Fitness (yes, I rejoined in order to train for the Triathlon.) We had a great bike ride on the stationary bikes. I set the program to 'Random Hills', because the Triathlon we are doing is going to be in Austin, Texas. It is very hilly there. We rode for 30 minutes, plus a few minutes of cool down. I went 10.5 miles and it felt great! I have never had that good of a workout on a stationary bike (besides spinning of course). I think one reason it felt so great is Helen and I talked the whole time and the time flew by.

Then we decided to tackle the swimming. Did I mention Helen used to be a competitive swimmer? Wow, she was amazing! I have to give myself props. We swam for about 30 minutes and I did 12 laps. I stopped for a minute breather a couple of times, but it was a pretty constant workout.

I've really got to work on my breathing so far as swimming goes. I've never been one to use my nose for breathing. I'm what you'd call a mouth breather. But, in swimming it is essential that you keep your head in the water and breathe out through your nose, then come up and take a breathe through your mouth. I kind of got it today, but I'm going to keep working on it. Helen said she thought I'd do pretty well if I got the breathing down. And coming from her, that was a pretty big complement.

We got in the hot tub for a bit, and that was nice. Then I headed out and met Sam at the park. We walked for 2.5 miles.

So yeh, working out was great today. That is why I'm typing my post tonight, because I'm going to get up early and go to the gym in the morning. I don't know if I'll have a lot of time to post in the morning.

Okay, getting kinda sleepy. Hopefully I'll have a more interesting post tomorrow :) Everyone have a great night, and let's make this week a good one!

No Excuses and moving on...

So, yesterday wasn't so great. I didn't exercise and I didn't stay at my 1500 calorie goal. I pretty much maintained. I ALSO didn't post on my blog!! [Insert ominous scary music here, throw in a bit of screaming too.]

Here are my list of excuses that aren't really excuses because there are no excuses when it is all a choice. I challenge you to read it aloud without taking a single breath.

Deep breath.....

Friday night I went to bed nice and early at 7p.m. and my husband came and woke me up at 11p.m., totally disturbing my sleep schedule, and that is when I wrote my last post, which I kinda hoped was posted after midnight so it could count as yesterday's post, but it wasn't, and then I avoided this blog like the plague yesterday because I didn't do any exercise, because my 5K that I have been training for was cancelled, because of the cold and lack of interest, because Texans apparently don't have balls to run outside when it is under 20 degrees, and then I was in the really nasty mood and yelled at my husband at wal-mart, even though I should have known not to allow him to go shopping with me, because we never get along, and then I felt pissy because I was behaving all emotionally, and just wanted to eat, and then I went to this scrapbooking meeting for the first time where I actually had tons of fun, but also where there was queso and drinks, none of which were diet, so I just said screw it and had probably 3 servings of queso and two un-diet sodas and a margarita, and after that I came home and made a homemade cheese pizza that usually is pretty healthy, but not when you eat half of the whole pizza, and then I went to bed even though I had my gym clothes in my car, ready to go, just waiting for me.

Breathe people breathe!!

If you made it through that in a single breath I think you set a new record. Quick! Call Guiness! If not, don't feel bad. I didn't either, which means that list of excuses is

..............completely and utterly bogus!

And that is okay, because I am letting them and yesterday go into the archives. Today is a new day and I'm treating it like one!

8:00 a.m. today I am meeting Helen at the gym (the girl who is doing the triathlon with me in May) and we are gonna bust our butts doing some swimming and biking. After that I might meet Sam to do some jogging at a park. Today's gonna be a good day!! :)

Fasting for Health - Why I Do It?

I have had a couple of comments about my decision to fast twice a week, and I'm sure I'll have more in the future. I will take it as people who genuinely care for my health, and that is a wonderful thing. However, I would like the oppurtonity to tell people why I've decided to fast twice a week. I want to make it clear that this post is simply to educate people as to my decision. I encourage anyone who has considered fasting to thoroughly research it and consider speaking to their doctor. Read at our own risk kind of thing I guess.

Fasting is not for everyone. Before you even consider fasting you should know that it is not a good idea for;

"Thin people, and those who are particularly sensitive to cold, can have a particularly hard time. Also, too much physical activity while fasting may also be a cause of headaches......It is also important to know that no matter how short the duration, fasting is unwise and potentially dangerous for some people. This group of people includes pregnant and lactating women, people with cancer, diabetes, gout, hypoglycemia, stomach ulcers, liver kidney, or lung disease. It could be potentially dangerous for anyone with a compromised immune system."

-www.steadyhealth.com

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about fasting, and I'd like to address those that I can think of. I am totally open to people's criticism's, as well as questions. I will say that I have read a lot on the subject, good and bad view points, so I feel confident in my decision to attempt fasting.

Why don't I go through a couple of questions and objections that I first had about fasting?

What is fasting?

"In a medical context fasting may refer to the metabolic status of a person who has not eaten overnight, and to the metabolic state achieved after complete digestion and absorption of a meal. Several metabolic adjustments occur during fasting, and many medical diagnostic tests are standardized for fasting conditions. For most ordinary diagnostic purposes a person is assumed to be fasting after 8-12 hours. Many of the metabolic shifts of fasting begin as absorption of a meal is complete (typicaly 3-5 hours after a meal.....Finally, extended fasting has been recommended as therapy for various conditions by physicians of most cultures, throughout history, from ancient to modern."

-Wikipedia

You will just lose muscle!

"Glucose is the body's primary fuel source and is essential for the brain's functioning. When denied glucose for more than 4-8 hours, the body will turn to the liver for glycogen, a storage form of glucose, to be used for fuel. A process called glycogenolysis converts glycogen into a usable form of fuel. At this point, the body will also use small amounts of protein to supplement this fuel. This fuel will last for up to 12 hours before the body needs to turn to muscle stores of glycogen, lasting for a few more days. If glucose is still denied at this point, muscle wasting is prevented by temporarily switching to fat as the fuel source, meaning fat is converted into ketone through catabolism. Ketones, while not sugars, are able to be used by the brain as a fuel source as long as glucose is denied." -Wikipedia

So yes, if you are on a long term fast you will lose some muscle. However, I would like to point out I am only fasting for 24 hours at a time, before the process of using protein (muscle) occurs.

Your body will go into starvation mode!

"The body will generally indicate to the faster when fat levels are running extremely low (less than 7% and 10% of body weight for males and females respectively) with an increased urge for food. Fasts are usually broken long before this point. If the fast is not broken, starvation will begin to occur, as the body begins to use protein for fuel. Death can occur if fasting is pursued to the point of complete starvation."

-Wikipedia

I'm just going to come right out and say this is not a problem for me :)...I've got some fat to eat up before I ever enter starvation mode.

You just lose water weight & Health Benefits...

On a short term fast, yes, you do lose a lot of water weight. But that is because your body is cleansing itself. While I'm happy if the fasting I do results in long term weight loss, I am fasting for the health benefits beyond losing weight.

"Research suggests there are major health benefits to caloric restriction. Benefits include a reduced risk of cancer, cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, insulin resistance, immune disorders, and more generally, the slowing of the aging process and the potential to increase maximum life span......other health benefits include stress resistance, increased insulin sensitivity, reduced morbidity, and increased life span. Long-term studies in humans have not been conducted. However, short-term human trials showed benefits in weight loss. The side effect was the participants felt cranky during the three week trial."

-Wikipedia

"Advocates of fasting believe that it periodically give the body a break from digestion, and also allows it to eliminate the toxins that cause disease, while promoting healing and reversing the aging process. Studies indicate that fasting helps health conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis, migraine headache, and some skin diseases as well. Acute illnesses such as colds and flu, colon disorders, allergies, obesity, and respiratory diseases may also respond to a fasting diet. Proponents claim a one-day fast creates a clearer mental state and increased energy of the body, that a three-day fast rids the body of toxins and purifies the blood, and that a long-term fast promotes healing, alleviates food allergies, sheds pounds, and rebuilds the immune system."

-www.steadyhealth.com

There have got to be some cons!

"On the other hand, critics believe that fasting depletes the body of important nutrients, essential minerals and energy. They think fasting may be unsafe, and is an ineffective weightloss aid. The few pounds that are lost near the beginning of a fast are from water. They believe this weight will return as soon as the fast is over."

-www.steadyhealth.com

I am not fasting for weight loss, I am fasting for health. I plan on fasting at least once a week once I am to my goal weight, so this is part of the healthy lifestyle I am creating for myself. I also keep well hydrated during my liquid fasts. I also allow my self a V8 Splash if I want one and take my vitamins.

I hope this post may have answered some questions, and I welcome other questions/critisizms if anyone has any. I know fasting isn't for everyone, it is just a choice I've made.

Thanks for listening and have a great day!

Weight, 21, 10, & the thing...

What I really wanted to title this post was,

"Weigh Day, 21 Day Habit Challenge, the Perfect 10 Challenge, and the Thing I couldn't Post Yesterday"

Alright, so I think I'm going to save the most exciting part of my title for last.

21 Day Habit Challenge - At the beginning of the year, instead of making any resolutions, I decided that I would try to form a new habit every 21 days. (FYI - Gotta give props to Candy on this, because it is her idea she came up with.) My first 21 day challenge is to start looking SASSY (read my last post for the meaning of sassy). The last week I have committed myself to spending more time 'grooming'. Every day this week I have put on makeup in the morning and I have spent an extra few hours just taking care of myself; putting on lotion, shaving, etc. So, 5 days down, 16 to go! I can definitely see how doing this for 21 days will create a habit, so I'm really excited to emerge a bit sassier in 21 days!

The Perfect 10 Challenge - I'm doing pretty good with this challenge. I'm going to highlight in green the ones that I have definitely been doing, and red the ones I still need to strive harder with.

1. Have at least a 1000 calorie deficit every day.
2. Run, no matter how short a distance, 5 days a week.
3. Weight train 3 days a week.
4. Drink 6 bottles of water per day.
5. Fast for 24 hours, twice a week (these will be my off days for exercise.)
6. Post my progress every day on my blog.
7. Weigh in every Friday.
8. Do 100 crunches after waking up, and 100 crunches before going to bed at least 5 days a week.
9. Eat a serving of fruits and a serving of vegetables every day.
10. Get 8 hours of sleep every night.

I am really proud of the things I am mastering. I am so happy that I have posted every day. This blog is really bringing something to my life. I'm also proud that I have been going to sleep earlier and getting the rest I need. This next week I'm really gonna try to have a few less things in the red.

Now, I think I'm also supposed to say something that not everyone knows about me...Hmmm....well....I don't think that everyone knows this one, so here goes:

I met my real father for the first time this year.
(I also found out I have a step mom, 3 more sisters, and 8 nieces/nephews...This is a picture of my dad, me, and my little sister Ashley. My dad and I are on the top.)

The thing I couldn't post yesterday - I have been offered a higher secretarial position where I work!! It comes with a bit of a pay raise, I will be in a much more stable office (where I work now they may be laying people off in a year or so), and it is in a much more 'visible' office. I like my job now, but I am a very competitive person..and honestly, this job is too easy. It has been nice to goof off a bit for a year, and get paid for it, but I'm ready to put the peddle to the metal and get going on that career path. I couldn't say anything yesterday because the offer wasn't official, and I couldn't chance someone at work reading the blog. Today will be hard because I have to tell my boss and coworkers. But, I know it is for the best!

Weigh Day -

Sooooooo...............last Friday I weighed in at 200.8 pounds. I wasn't upset with this number, I was happy that I hadn't gained back 10 pounds over the holidays. This whole week I have worked pretty hard. I'm not going to say really hard, because I think I can work even harder this next week. Yesterday you may recal I was a bit worried about this morning's weigh in. I was worried last week was a fluke. I was also secretly thinking, "Man, I know I should be happy if I lose 2 pounds, but I know I will secretly be kinda pissed." I am just not happy with 2 pounds a week at this point. Mainly because I have that Cabaret Audition deadline coming up. And remember, if I get the role I want I'll be wearing something along the lines of this (while dancing):


So yeh, it is imperative that I'm down to a good weight by mid-May. Anyway. On the way to Candice's this morning to weigh myself I convinced myself I'd be happy with 3 pounds. If I lose 3 pounds a week then by the end of April I'll weigh 155. I was happy, content with weighing in three pounds lighter.

So I know you are dying to know (or at least I'm dying to tell you) what I weighed in at this morning.

Drum Roll please....

It is an all time low....

I now weigh less than my husband for the first time since we've been together.......................

.................................................I weighed..........................................

192.4!

And the crowd goes wild! That is an 8.4 pounds loss!!
Yay! Weeeeeee! Oh HELL Yeah!!!!!!!!

I know, I know...I can't expect this kind of loss every week...yada yada yada. But I am so happy to see it today. This is the first week in a long time that I've really been committed and it shows. I feel like I have so much momentum for this coming week! Again, I am completely aware that I probably won't see another 8 pounds loss...well, maybe ever. Next week I am secretly hoping to lose at least 3 pounds so I'll be in the 180s..but after that, I am honestly happy with 2 pounds a week.


Oh, I do have one piece of bad news, that is actually kind of good. That chocolate cake from yesterday? Well, it tasted kinda gross. I only had two small bites and ate the icing off half of it. The weight loss this week was reward enough for obstaining from mexican food yesterday.

I didn't even need that chocolate cake in the end!

One last thing...found a few quotes I liked yesterday so I thought I'd share them...

"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out. Many people take the first step and then stop. Yet, with every additional step you take, you enhance immensely the value of your first step."

"All masters of success are chiefly distinguished by their power of adding a second, a third, and perhaps a fourth step in a continuous line."

"There is no royal road to anything. One thing at a time, all things in succession is the rule of life. That which grows fast withers as rapidly. That which grows slowly endures."

"Do not despise the bottom rings in your ascent to greatness."

Double Post

So this morning I didn't have much to say. But I'm glad I posted anyway. I was feeling really gloomy. Even after reading all the blogs I read in the morning...something still wasn't clicking. But the day is 1/3 of the way over and I'm feeling a bit better now...so forgive me, I'm going to double post.

I'd like to address why I was feeling so poopy this morning. I told Candy that I was wanting some mexican food. I wanted some queso and gooey cheesey enchiladas. She simply asked, "Why do you think you want it." And I was able to tell her. I wanted it because I was stressed about the situation that I can't post about (lol, see below post). Also, after lunch, I realized another reason I want to binge and eat crap food today. I am worried about tomorrows weigh in. I'm worried that last week it was a fluke, that I didn't really weigh 200.8. I'm worried that this week it is going to say 205 or something. But, I know I have don't really well this past week. I have been active and stayed within my calorie range. I'm even accomplishing my 2 days of fasting. I should be confident that the scale will read out as me being under 200 tomorrow. But I'm still worried, and I've owned up to it, and surprisingly that is helping a bit with the cravings. They are still there. Part of me really wants to find comfort in food right now...but for once the part of me that wants to see the numbers on that scale go down tomorrow will not allow it.

It is SOOO strong that when a person came into my office and handed me a piece of beautiful chocolate cake (something that my mood was screaming for!) I did this:


No, that is not some fancy looking garbage can, lol. That is the little fridge I have under my desk. I'm not throwing this cake away. I'm saving it. And tomorrow morning, with a cup of low cal hot chocolate I'm going to eat some of it. Maybe two bites or so. This is going to be my reward for sticking it out today and not going and getting gooey cheesy mexican food. I know the biggest reward is my health. But the wonderful thing is I can have both. I can have a taste of this cake if I will just wait until the time is right! I can go eat cheesy gooey mexican food....when I have enough calories left to do so! It is all possible, and I can lose weight. I just noticed the garbage bags sitting on top of the fridge in the picture. How true...this is so "Tough & Easy", haha.


So...a few minutes ago I was kind of just browsing the web. Not doing much really. Googling some health stuff that I've considered talking about on my blog...when I ran across another blog...a blog that made me feel nervous to be reading...like I was an outsider...like I was trespassing.


But, the internet does this thing to me. It makes me feel liberated...because the person who writes the blog doesn't necessarily know I'm trespassing.

'What type of blog was this?' You may be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you. It was an athletes blog. Someone who does exercise as a hobby...not just a way to lose weight. In fact, I don't think this guy ever needed to lose weight.

I went even further, I looked at a couple of the people who left comments on the blog. The further I dug the more I felt like I was going to get 'caught' peeping into the lives of these healthy, and frankly beautiful, people.

I got kinda sad and kinda angry. Why did I feel like a trespasser? I run! I'm working towards a Triathlon! Damn it, I am gonna be one of these people!!!!!!!!!

So I did the unimaginable. I clicked the 'follow' button on their blogs.


Now they really might find out...I mean all they have to do is look at their 'followers' list...and they will see me...All 200 pounds of me. I imagine them, taking up their pitch forks and torches. Running the fat monster out of the village, er, I mean blog. Lol, I know I am being silly. But I think this is evidence of my doubt in myself, and that is something I've got to get over. My blog isn't called "Thin in 2010"....it says I'm gonna be Sassy!

Again, you may be asking yourself, "What the heck does she mean by saying she wants to be sassy all the time!?"

Well, it is a word that Candy commonly uses, and this is what I think it means...

Confident!

Sexy!

Risk Taker!

Beautiful!

Smart!

So I think I'm going to go explore these blogs some more. I'm going to explore the person I want to be, because the only way I become her is to just start being her.

Sorry to double post, and thanks for reading :)