Monday, January 18, 2010

Realizations, It's still a long way to go...

This weekend I went to Waco. I consider that area of Texas my 'home', the place I grew up, and the place I don't ever want to live in again. Usually, when I'm driving the four hours to get there, I go through an array of emotions. I guess the best way to describe it is that I feel like I'm transforming back into the way I 'was', the Olivia everyone used to know, the 'pleasing' child that everyone still expects. At least, I feel like they do. But this trip was different. I felt stronger as I drove mile after mile. This is something that has never happened before. It was unfamiliar stomping ground, going to Waco and feeling like myself. I won't rehash every emotional feeling I experienced while there, but this one was very important.

I said some goodbyes in Waco this time. Goodbyes to my old self. I know now that I will never see her again. Saturday morning I got up and went for a walk/run. On the way back I went down the street where I grew up. I passed by my old best friend Lindzy's house. There were some random cars in the driveway, and I wondered if they had any idea that Lindzy's grandma used to live there. I also saw my grandparents house. That made me tear up a lot, as it always does. The simplicity of childhood is something I'll always miss, but I do now realize that I would never want to return to the ignorance of it. Where everyone can easily lie to you, manipulate you...and that realization brought into perspective the sweet memories of my grandparents; picking strawberries with my grandma on the side of the house, my grandpa in his chair...I knew that I needed to do something I hadn't done since I was a child.

So the next day my mother and I went to their grave site. It was very peaceful there, but that was all. There was no lingering spirit of my Nana or Papa. They were gone. To where? I don't know. But the fact that they had moved on was testament enough that I needed to. It is like following tracks in the woods and suddenly they stop and now you have to choose your own direction. I was looking for Nana & Papa, but they went on a trail that I haven't seen yet, so now I have to make my own. It is up to me...and that is liberating.

This weekend wasn't just full of somber moments :) I went swimming w/Tootie twice and had a blast. She has really got the swimming thing down, but I am confident I will get there. She gave me some great tips, and I am really gonna work on it so that next time I see her she will be able to tell a difference. I also fit into a pair size 14 capris! I've fit into a 14 before, but the material in the pants were kind of stretchy. These capris were not stretchy at all and they fit! Yay. I really want to push it this week so that when I go to buy clothes next weekend I can buy all 14s. I don't ever want to see a size 16 again!!!!

I saw a lot of family this weekend. Most of them said, "Wow, you look good!" I can't really take all those to heart, because I don't know how many of them were influenced by my mom saying, "Livi's lost weight! Make sure and say something."

This is weird but sometimes it frustrates me when people say I look good, because it feels like they think it is the end. I want to wave my arms and say, "Hey, I'm not done yet! You ain't seen the last of this!" But no one in my family, at least very few of them, seem to understand. I guess I can't even explain it here on my blog...I want to reach my goal, and this isn't it.

Sigh...we did take pictures. I honestly don't want to post them because they are what made me realize I still have such a long way to go. But I have to look at it in a way that I am leaving even that Olivia in Waco. I won't see her again. And when I go back I will take others and it will be a totally different person looking back. So here goes...

(FYI - these were taken with one of those under water camera's so I'm sorry the quality was so low.)

Me and Tootie (I'm on the left)

I really don't know what I'm doing in this picture, lol

This is the one I didn't want to post. I mean, neither of us are looking exactly elegant in this pose, but crap. I don't want to be the chubby girl anymore. But, if I'm honest with myself I know I used to be even bigger than this. Still, I'll be revisiting this pose when I'm skinnier, and instead of looking dorky fat, I'll look dorky cute like Tootie. Okay, enough beating up on myself...

Tootie & Tim, her husband.

My nieces, Erin and Alex. Aren't they so adorable in their little swim caps?? :)


Tim attempting to save his woman.

In this picture I can see the family resemblance, kinda, lol.

Me looking awesome!

Alright, so this weekend wasn't bad. I got in some good exercise, and I think on Friday and Saturday I had calorie deficits. Not too shabby. But, I'm really ready to make this week a killer. Especially since next week I start my new job, next weekend I get to go clothes shopping, and I have just found out some friends may be coming in from out of town.

Let's make it happen people!! :)