Tuesday, October 12, 2010

What is Best in Life?

What is best in life?

Well, to me;

To feel the cool breeze in your face when riding a bike. Hugs in a freshly made bed, either with Aaron or my boxer :) And delicious food that comes without guilt.

I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking about weight loss. I'm tired of feeling stressed about it. My #1 goal is to enjoy life. And I just can't when I constantly feel guilty. What drives me in this desire to be skinny? Why am I obsessed with it? So much that if I fail at a diet and then I binge?

What is best in life?

Training, I like training. I like riding my bike, I like swimming, and I actually enjoy run/walking. I really do enjoy these things.

Food, I enjoy food. I enjoy healthy food more than anything. I enjoy sodas with real sugar. I like fruit and vegetables.

I like feeling healthy and feeling good about myself.

I didn't lose much weight this year. That is the simple fact of the matter. But for the first 6 months of the year I felt GREAT about myself! I felt pretty, athletic, healthy, sexy even! When did I lose sight of that I can feel that way without being skinny???

I'm not saying that I don't want to lose weight. I do. But my main motivation behind wanting to lose weight is WRONG. I want ATTENTION. This is a reoccurring theme isn't it? I am always seeking affirmation and other people's approval. Oh man, it feels SOOO good when people compliment me about losing weight. I crave it. But if no one says anything, then I give up. Or if someone else is losing more weight than I am, and they get the compliments...man, I get SO jealous. I get so jealous that I give up and binge.

Basically, this is a chart of my motivations for losing weight:

I don't want to be that person. I don't want to lose weight to get attention. I want to be the person that loses weight because they are living a lifestyle where the weight goes away on its own. A lifestyle where I'm training and not stressing and sleeping. And not binging, since I'm not constantly forcing myself to adhere to a diet and failing. And eating healthy just because that food makes me happy and makes me feel good.

I am putting on the brakes.
I can't do this anymore.
I have to stop dieting.
I have to stop trying to lose weight.

I feel like this is really against the flow of most people's mindsets. And I'm not saying those people are wrong. It works for a lot of people. But I am beginning to realize that I am a very selfish and conceited person. It is not the person I want to be in life.

So, after that loooong winded thought process I'll conclude like this.

If you are reading this, tell me, What is Best in Life?