So this morning I didn't have much to say. But I'm glad I posted anyway. I was feeling really gloomy. Even after reading all the blogs I read in the morning...something still wasn't clicking. But the day is 1/3 of the way over and I'm feeling a bit better now...so forgive me, I'm going to double post.
I'd like to address why I was feeling so poopy this morning. I told Candy that I was wanting some mexican food. I wanted some queso and gooey cheesey enchiladas. She simply asked, "Why do you think you want it." And I was able to tell her. I wanted it because I was stressed about the situation that I can't post about (lol, see below post). Also, after lunch, I realized another reason I want to binge and eat crap food today. I am worried about tomorrows weigh in. I'm worried that last week it was a fluke, that I didn't really weigh 200.8. I'm worried that this week it is going to say 205 or something. But, I know I have don't really well this past week. I have been active and stayed within my calorie range. I'm even accomplishing my 2 days of fasting. I should be confident that the scale will read out as me being under 200 tomorrow. But I'm still worried, and I've owned up to it, and surprisingly that is helping a bit with the cravings. They are still there. Part of me really wants to find comfort in food right now...but for once the part of me that wants to see the numbers on that scale go down tomorrow will not allow it.
It is SOOO strong that when a person came into my office and handed me a piece of beautiful chocolate cake (something that my mood was screaming for!) I did this:
No, that is not some fancy looking garbage can, lol. That is the little fridge I have under my desk. I'm not throwing this cake away. I'm saving it. And tomorrow morning, with a cup of low cal hot chocolate I'm going to eat some of it. Maybe two bites or so. This is going to be my reward for sticking it out today and not going and getting gooey cheesy mexican food. I know the biggest reward is my health. But the wonderful thing is I can have both. I can have a taste of this cake if I will just wait until the time is right! I can go eat cheesy gooey mexican food....when I have enough calories left to do so! It is all possible, and I can lose weight. I just noticed the garbage bags sitting on top of the fridge in the picture. How true...this is so "Tough & Easy", haha.
So...a few minutes ago I was kind of just browsing the web. Not doing much really. Googling some health stuff that I've considered talking about on my blog...when I ran across another blog...a blog that made me feel nervous to be reading...like I was an outsider...like I was trespassing.
But, the internet does this thing to me. It makes me feel liberated...because the person who writes the blog doesn't necessarily know I'm trespassing.
'What type of blog was this?' You may be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you. It was an athletes blog. Someone who does exercise as a hobby...not just a way to lose weight. In fact, I don't think this guy ever needed to lose weight.
I went even further, I looked at a couple of the people who left comments on the blog. The further I dug the more I felt like I was going to get 'caught' peeping into the lives of these healthy, and frankly beautiful, people.
I got kinda sad and kinda angry. Why did I feel like a trespasser? I run! I'm working towards a Triathlon! Damn it, I am gonna be one of these people!!!!!!!!!
So I did the unimaginable. I clicked the 'follow' button on their blogs.
Now they really might find out...I mean all they have to do is look at their 'followers' list...and they will see me...All 200 pounds of me. I imagine them, taking up their pitch forks and torches. Running the fat monster out of the village, er, I mean blog. Lol, I know I am being silly. But I think this is evidence of my doubt in myself, and that is something I've got to get over. My blog isn't called "Thin in 2010"....it says I'm gonna be Sassy!
Again, you may be asking yourself, "What the heck does she mean by saying she wants to be sassy all the time!?"
Well, it is a word that Candy commonly uses, and this is what I think it means...
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Sometimes I'll have an ah-ha moment the day before, and think of something that at least I think is pretty interesting to post. And while I did have a moment yesterday where something AWESOME happened I can't post it here :( Ooooo, and I'm itching to post it. But I will soon. Don't worry. As soon as I can this is the first place I'm coming :)
So, let's just do the nitty gritty and rehash yesterday. It was a good day, not as good as I'd anticipated because of unexpected circumstances already stated above. I got up early and went to the gym. I really tried to push it during my 20 minutes of strength training, remembering the biggest loser the whole time. Then I decided to start my conquering of a new piece of equipment; the stair stepper. Did five minutes on that thing, and man did it get my heart rate up! I was really tired after that for some reason, so I have to admit I didn't really push for the next 30 minutes on the elliptical. Ate healthy yesterday too (see my calendar above for details). My calorie deficit for the day came in at a little over 1200 calories. Not bad at all.
I'm thinking I may join 24-Hour Fitness again. They have some pretty good deals going on right now, and it would be a good place to train for the Triathlon since they have a pool.
Today is a Liquid Fast day. I really want to eat. Isn't because I'm hungry, but I think I want to eat because I'm nervous about the thing I can't post yet, lol. Isn't this driving you crazy? It is driving ME crazy. This thing should really motivate me to be very strict for the next couple of weeks...but as we all know motivation comes from doing, not day dreaming. Sigh...
So today is gonna be hard folks...I know it is...and I'd be dishonest if I said that I know I can do it. Today doesn't feel so sure. Today feels rocky. But these are the days that I will prove myself to the world...These are the days I earn my new body.
Oh, and tomorrow is weigh day...just gotta hold on until weight day.