My husband and I were getting ready to crawl in bed and he was heating up some french bread I'd gotten him ((that boy LOVES bread!)) Well, I started talking to him about how I really need help to be better on my calories. I told him I need to stop eating what he eats...just because he is eating. He was like, 'Okay.' THEN, can you believe it? I tried to go eat some french bread, and this stuff was not just carborific, but it was COATED in butter! My husband stood in the door to the bedroom, not letting me pass and said, "Sorry, you don't get to eat that." And, can you believe this, I got angry! I mean, REALLY angry! I threw a little tantrum and tried to convince him I could eat the french bread..I remember clearly thinking about telling him "Oh sweetie, let's start being strict tomorrow..."
Did I mention I love my husband? he stopped me from eating the french bread, and instead I had a little bowl of fruit :) Just as satisfying, and I didn't feel like a failure afterwards.
The crazy thing is how angry I got. Why did I get angry? He did exactly what I'd asked him too! It is almost like when you are a teenager, and you don't really want something but your parents tell you no, so you automatically rebel and want that thing like crazy!! These episodes (and yes, they've happened before) make me realize what a food addict I am. I am like an alcoholic who hasn't really confronted their problem...I think I can have 'just one little drink' and then go back to being sober. But it really doesn't work that way.
**Wow, writing that just made me really understand myself!**
This sounds weird...but perhaps I should consider doing a '12 step program'. I'll have to modify the steps a little for my beliefs, but I wonder if it would help me. I don't want to be addicted to food, I just want to use it for sustenance. Imagine the FREEDOM that would give me? Seriously, sometimes it feels like food enslaves me! And it is all my choice, I go to it, arms outstretched and say, "okay, put on the shackles."
No more people! No more addictions! I demand my freedom!
(okay, yeh, I feel great!!)
But seriously...I think I should go through the 12 steps...let's see what they are...
These are the original Twelve Steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous adapted for food addiction and my personal religious beliefs:
1. We admitted we were powerless over food—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a return to the natural order of things will restore my life to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the nature's standards.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to remove all these defects of character.
7. Understand, meditate on, and work to remove my shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through meditation to improve our conscious awareness of the natural state of things, knowledge of how my body should be naturally, and the self control to get myself to that point.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to help other over eaters, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
So, today, I'll start with step 1, but I'm gonna modify it a little bit...
I admit that I am powerless over food if I choose to be. I admit that when I allow myself to be powerless that my life in completely unmanageable. Not just my weight, but all aspects of my life. Overeating hurts my marriage, my career, and anything else I am involved in.
So, what is my emotion for today?
I feel liberated!
Why?: Because I have taken some time to explore my feelings, to reflect on what I've done, and I've realized that food has control over me when I allow it too. I've realized it is all a choice. I also feel great because I have eaten healthy so far today, and last night. This morning I not only went to Candice's house to walk the horses, I ran a little bit with Woodrow while I did it!
How can I recreate this emotion in the future? Well, I need to take sometime every day to really think about myself. Perhaps I should take up meditation. Of course, this blog seems to be helping.
Thanks for reading, and have a great day!!