Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Adventure & my Fears

I want my life to be an adventure. THAT is why I'm losing weight.

I came to that realization yesterday when I was running in a circle. I realized I hated it because it was mundane and boring, and not an adventure.

You know how people tell you why they want to lose weight? What their motivation is...well, I never really knew for sure. For some people it is their kids, well nothing against you guys, but I don't want kids ever, so that doesn't fit the bill. Yes I want to live a long life, but that has never been a pressing enough issue for me to really get up and go...at least, it isn't a pressing issue yet. About the closest thing that I've ever been able to pin point down as my real motivation is the desire to be hot. Yeh, I know it is pretty vain, but whatever.

But really, none of these 'motivators' ever made it stick.

But running in that circle yesterday, I started thinking about why I hated running in a circle. I hate it because it is not an adventure. I want to explore! And try new things! That is why this picture make me want to run...

You see that bend, at the end of the path. I want to see what is around that bend. To be cheesy and quote Disney:

What I love most about rivers is:
You can't step in the same river twice
The water's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the riverbend
Waiting just around the riverbend

I look once more
Just around the riverbend
Beyond the shore
Where the gulls fly free
Don't know what for
What I dream the day might send
Jut around the riverbend
For me
Coming for me

Yes, that is why I want to lose weight and be healthy...because I've never met a fat person that had a really adventurous life. The only fat people I have met, including myself, sit around all day dreaming for a beautiful life. Most of them never go out and get it. And that is exactly what I'm going to do, I am going to go out and get that adventure!

...Just to name a few...

Am I afraid of heights? Yes
Am I afraid I could possibly die doing several of these things? Yes
Am I afraid I'm going to look stupid doing or training for them? Yes
Am I afraid I will fail? Yes
Am I afraid I will not get to do them all? Yes
Am I afraid? Yes

You know, Project 365 wrote about fear today. (Stop by her blog if you haven't, this girl has got it together! I can't wait to see her continued results.) I'm going to steal a quote she had on her blog today, because it really hit the spot.

"It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before...to test your limits...to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

I am more afraid to never try than I have ever been of not succeeding.

I guess I should blog a little bit about how my days going, lol. It is going good :)
I'm fasting today. My husband brought me a chocolate covered oreo (omg) but I'm saving it for tomorrow morning. It is going to taste so good! Went for a walk with Candice, and I hope I get to go for another one this afternoon. Gonna watch the Biggest Loser tonight! Woot! (Stuipd me thought it started yesterday, so that was a let down). I can't wait to run tomorrow. I'm going to try a park that I have kayaked at before. It will be an adventure! :)

PS - It is so freaking cold here in Houston, Texas. It is literally freezing outside! But, I'm not gonna let it be an excuse!! Instead I just bought some long underwear, lol.

Have a great day all!

Running in Circles and Skater Accessories

Okay people, I cannot run in circles. I hate it. Maybe this is the reason I always disliked running before, I always tried to run at a track or the big loop of my neighborhood.

Yesterday I came home after a pretty good day. I had gone for a 20 min walk with Candy, spent 30 minutes weight lifting, spent 30 minutes on the elliptical, and did 100 crunches. Then I ran by Wal-mart, and when I got home I put on my warm running clothes meaning to run my whole neighborhood twice (3 miles).

After about, oh, 60 seconds, I started to get really pissed off. I mean, I was REALLY irritable. I hated the running. All I could think about was the pain, my mind wasn't going to that nice blissful state it has been going to...when I exclaimed, out loud mind you, "I hate running in circles!"

Funny what you say something without thinking about it becomes the key to understanding something so clearly.

It is true, running in circles blows. I have no sense of moving forward and the whole time it is way too easy for me to concentrate on how much time I have left, because I can see how much farther I have to go. It is like being on the elliptical and watching the clock, which I do.

Why is this important? Why does it matter if I am counting down the time?

Well, simply enough, running is painful. It is the most painful exercise I have ever done. I don't mean my joints hurt or anything, but I can feel the burn running unlike I can feel it doing anything else. The elliptical is easy (I know some people may not agree yet, lol). I can day dream, sing along to my mp3 player, etc. But with running my mind needs to go numb so that I don't even think about the pain and burn I'm feeling from the workout. And with running in a circle that just doesn't happen.

So, yesterday I probably ran a whole 1/4 of a mile, lol. Then I walked back home. The walk was nice, I can walk in circles. So...that probably seems like I typed out a huge long excuse for not running the 3 miles I set out to do. And I could look at it that way, but instead I am going to look at it as a lesson:

I will never run in circles!

This doesn't just apply to running. It applies to weight loss or any other endeavor. Going in circles pisses me off. (Though I really like it when my schnauzer Reeses chases her tail. No wonder she gets so pissed at it! It is making her go in circles!! :) )

So yesterday I had a small victory, well, actually kind of a big one if you think about it. (be forewarned, I'm about to talk about undergarments, gasp!)

Went to Wal-mart to buy new underwear and socks for both me and my husband. (Sorry people, I'm not spending good money on underwear until I'm closer to my goal weight). Well, There were people on all the isles for 'big girl underwear'. Hopefully someone knows what I'm talking about. When I was at my biggest (269) I wore a size 10 underwear, yikes! The lowest I had ever worn was a size 8. Well, I got stuck on an isle that the highest they had were size 7.

I knew that I should have turned around and just wedged my way into the big girl underwear isles, amidst all the other large women. But then I saw them! Panties with...with... roller skates on them! They aren't rollerblades, but they were soooo cute! I bit my lip and took a chance, grabbing the size 7 panties and putting them underneath the socks in the basket.

I don't know why I did this? Maybe I was worried someone would see them and sneer, "Ain't no way that girl gonna fit into a size 7!" Lol, as if anyone cares.

But they fit people! And they are so cute!! Lol. Sorry if that was TMI, but these things seem like huge accomplishments.

So today...

Today is my first liquid fast day this week. I'm not too worried about the fasting part, but a little irritated that it also means it is a 'rest' day and I won't be doing any exercise. I'm getting nervous about Friday. I am crossing my fingers that the scale moves. If it does I'll be under 200, anything under 199 is a new low, so it should be exciting.

Wednesday I'm going swimming with the girl I will be doing a triathlon with in May. I can't tell you how psyched I am to know that I am to finish that triathlon! And I should be at my goal weight, if not extremely close to it, by that time.

Ah, there is so much I'd like to type, but I really want to go snuggle with my hubby for a few more minutes in bed.

I hope everyone has a great day today...and I am determined, that even if today sucks, I am going to be great! Lol.