I'd like to address why I was feeling so poopy this morning. I told Candy that I was wanting some mexican food. I wanted some queso and gooey cheesey enchiladas. She simply asked, "Why do you think you want it." And I was able to tell her. I wanted it because I was stressed about the situation that I can't post about (lol, see below post). Also, after lunch, I realized another reason I want to binge and eat crap food today. I am worried about tomorrows weigh in. I'm worried that last week it was a fluke, that I didn't really weigh 200.8. I'm worried that this week it is going to say 205 or something. But, I know I have don't really well this past week. I have been active and stayed within my calorie range. I'm even accomplishing my 2 days of fasting. I should be confident that the scale will read out as me being under 200 tomorrow. But I'm still worried, and I've owned up to it, and surprisingly that is helping a bit with the cravings. They are still there. Part of me really wants to find comfort in food right now...but for once the part of me that wants to see the numbers on that scale go down tomorrow will not allow it.
It is SOOO strong that when a person came into my office and handed me a piece of beautiful chocolate cake (something that my mood was screaming for!) I did this:
No, that is not some fancy looking garbage can, lol. That is the little fridge I have under my desk. I'm not throwing this cake away. I'm saving it. And tomorrow morning, with a cup of low cal hot chocolate I'm going to eat some of it. Maybe two bites or so. This is going to be my reward for sticking it out today and not going and getting gooey cheesy mexican food. I know the biggest reward is my health. But the wonderful thing is I can have both. I can have a taste of this cake if I will just wait until the time is right! I can go eat cheesy gooey mexican food....when I have enough calories left to do so! It is all possible, and I can lose weight. I just noticed the garbage bags sitting on top of the fridge in the picture. How true...this is so "Tough & Easy", haha.
So...a few minutes ago I was kind of just browsing the web. Not doing much really. Googling some health stuff that I've considered talking about on my blog...when I ran across another blog...a blog that made me feel nervous to be reading...like I was an outsider...like I was trespassing.
But, the internet does this thing to me. It makes me feel liberated...because the person who writes the blog doesn't necessarily know I'm trespassing.
'What type of blog was this?' You may be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you. It was an athletes blog. Someone who does exercise as a hobby...not just a way to lose weight. In fact, I don't think this guy ever needed to lose weight.
I went even further, I looked at a couple of the people who left comments on the blog. The further I dug the more I felt like I was going to get 'caught' peeping into the lives of these healthy, and frankly beautiful, people.
I got kinda sad and kinda angry. Why did I feel like a trespasser? I run! I'm working towards a Triathlon! Damn it, I am gonna be one of these people!!!!!!!!!
So I did the unimaginable. I clicked the 'follow' button on their blogs.
Now they really might find out...I mean all they have to do is look at their 'followers' list...and they will see me...All 200 pounds of me. I imagine them, taking up their pitch forks and torches. Running the fat monster out of the village, er, I mean blog. Lol, I know I am being silly. But I think this is evidence of my doubt in myself, and that is something I've got to get over. My blog isn't called "Thin in 2010"....it says I'm gonna be Sassy!
Again, you may be asking yourself, "What the heck does she mean by saying she wants to be sassy all the time!?"
Well, it is a word that Candy commonly uses, and this is what I think it means...
Confident!
Sexy!
Risk Taker!
Beautiful!
Smart!
Sexy!
Risk Taker!
Beautiful!
Smart!
So I think I'm going to go explore these blogs some more. I'm going to explore the person I want to be, because the only way I become her is to just start being her.
Sorry to double post, and thanks for reading :)
Sorry to double post, and thanks for reading :)
I am so proud of you for sticking with it! You can do it! I want to be in the cool club too!!!!
ReplyDeletePsst..... Mr. Rex is soooo adorable!
First off I'de just like to say that you are a really good (and hilarious) writer! But it's important you realize that these people are NOT better than you or me just like we won't be BETTER than people who struggle with their weight when we get to our goal weights.
ReplyDeleteMake sure you can love yourself despite what "club" you think you belong to!
"...because the only way I become her is to just start being her."
ReplyDeleteThis is EXACTLY why you'll succeed, and get everything you want for your future! You're never trespassing... only adding, making others see your way of thought, and definitely helping us all when you visit their blogs (and especially comment).
It's easy to see and feel, while reading your words, that you're passionate about personal success and change. Stay patient, make each moment about one simple step in front of the last simple step.
Thanks for stopping by CoachYourMind and leaving such a thoughtful comment. Good luck. I look forward to watching your journey.
Dayne
I love that you are visualizing who you are becoming! That is so powerful. I remember once wanting a "thin picture", and had none of me that worked. So I took one of my sister, who was at a good weight back then, and cut her head off, and pasted my head onto her body. I laugh at it now, but it really helped me to SEE myself better.
ReplyDeleteAnd great job in your response to the chocolate cake!
Loretta
=^..^=