As always, watching The Biggest Loser made me start thinking about weight loss and health, and ways to lose weight, and the psychology of it all. Two things really stuck out in my head above everything else I thought about.
1. I still really want to lose weight. 2. I don't want to define my worth by how much weight I lose.
I still really want to lose weight, that is all there is to it. I know it isn't going to be fast. I don't really want it to be. I just want to get there eventually. Maybe by 2012 maybe by 2013. Just eventually I'd like to see myself below 160. You see, I'm really trying not to set these super awesome goals that make a bad day seem like a huge failure. I would just like to gradually snake my way down there.
Things that help me remember not to freak out about my weight are that I'm already married with a husband that loves me. I don't have to attract anyone else. Would it be nice to have a guy take a second glance? Hell yeh! But it isn't necessary. Sometimes, and this makes me feel like a bit of a bad wife, that is my PRIMARY reason for wanting to lose weight. I want men to be attracted to me. I guess it is one of those basic animalistic desires...to be wanted. Anyway, getting over this will actually help a lot.
Also, as I've addressed before, I need to stop constantly seeking people's approval and thinking their affirmation will make me happy or more valuable. I won't go on and on about that, because I've addressed it before.
I don't want to define my worth by how much weight I lose. Sorry, I've gotta dog on The Biggest Loser a bit here. I just get so tired of the emphasis they put on LOSING the weight. Last night when they were doing the weigh in almost all of the people were in tears over losing five pounds or even nine pounds saying things like, "I hope this is a big enough number to make me valuable to my team."
Well doesn't that just say it all? That is how I feel a lot of the time. I know I'm not on any team and I know no friend is going to disown me because I haven't lost the weight I have set out to lose. But I certainly feel like I base much of my value on how much I've lost.
I originally lost 80 pounds. Now I've gained some back. Now I've only lost 45 pounds.
That is SO hard to say. I am even now thinking subconsciously, "I hope people skip this post. I hope they don't read it so they don't see that." I placed so much value on the fact that I'd lost 80 pounds! It felt sooo good. How can I renig? How can I go back? People won't look at me the same way!
Oh it is so stupid, and I KNOW that. But it is an emotion I have to look in the face and deal with if I ever want to change it.
Goals are never ending. We cannot expect that reaching a goal will make us any happier than we are when we are trying to reach it. Because once you reach a goal you have a whole other set of goals. Think about it? When will you be done? After you buy a car? No, because then you want a house with a garage to store it in. After the house? No, because then you want to upgrade the appliances? After you upgrade? No, because then you want to have kids. After kids? No, because then you want to raise them right and put them through college...
And the list goes on.
Goals aren't a bad thing. But I think we, as a society, really need to get our story strait. It isn't about the end result, it is about the journey. I usually HATE when people say that. I hate it because often times it comes from a person who has no direction in life and is just looking for an excuse to be lazy, haha. But you can have goals and still enjoy the journey. I guess what I'm getting at is you don't set goals for the end result, you set them, from the beginning, because you want to experience that journey.
Let me repeat that again, because it just really sunk in for me:
You don't set goals for the end result, you set them, from the beginning, because you want to experience that journey.
I want to experience the journey of weight loss and getting healthy.
So let's address something else....when do you ever associated experiences, journeys, positive things with losing something. Yep, pretty much NEVER. You GAIN something when you on on a journey or have a positive experience. We are constantly saying we are on a Weight Loss Journey. If you really think about it, it is such a contradictory way of saying what I'm after.
What am I REALLY after? We should say things like;
A Health Crusade, a Life Journey, an Exercise Immersion, an Athletic Adventure, an Experience Extravaganza!
NOW we're talking! THOSE terms get me pumped. Screw this weight loss journey bull crap!!
Okay, I know I've gone on an on, so let me return to my Title and original points.
I weighed in today.
Did I just hear a crowd in the distance booing? Honestly, that is what I heard in my head.
Guess what the scale said?
Well that is what it said after I calculated a simple equation in my head:
What I Weighed Today - What I Weighed Today = ZERO
I know you might be thinking I'm crazy, but trust me on this. You must not have read the instructions on your scale correctly if you are getting a number like 250. That is so wrong. Because this is what you are supposed to do.
You take the number of your original weigh in. Every time you weigh in you SUBTRACT the new weigh in number. Today I got ZERO because it was my first weigh in, but next we it might be 1, 2, 3.
These numbers are a lot less scary then seeing 229 or 331.
And they are positives. Not negatives, like "I lost 5 pounds"...No I want to gain five pounds of experiences!
I have decided to go on a journey to 20. Just like I am journeying from Houston to New Orleans on my ticker over to the right which I am loving. Even if some days I only add a mile, it is neat to see me GOING somewhere! I am going to journey from ZERO (today's number) to 20. There will be another goal after that. There always is. But right now I just want to get to 20.
This number will not define me.
I don't really care when I get to it.
Might not be until this time next year.
But I'm going on a journey to 20.
20 great experiences!
20 Life lessons!
Okay, you probably think I'm crazy now. But thanks for reading :)