Looking for...Something

And I don't know what it is. I'll work out, and feel great...and when I get to the food I just keep thinking, "What does it matter, you gained, you worked so hard and you gained." It has almost been a week and I still can't stop thinking about this stupid gain in weight. Why is it I've lost almost 80 pounds, and all I can think of is a few pound gain?? I mean, I didn't think about gaining weight when I was gaining far more than just a few pounds. It is stupid, and I wish I could say I'm over it, but I'm not. I just feel like I need to wake up! And since I want to wake up all I want to do is go to sleep...in the hopes that when I wake up I can move on.

Jeez, this just isn't that big of a deal. I need to get over it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Your very grumpy blogger,
Olivia

Do Bad Things Really Come In 3s?

I sure hope so. Seems like I've been in a funk, and I sure am ready to get out of it.

Bad Things:

#1 - Gained weight. Yeh, I'm sure everyone can understand that one.
#2 - Found out I owe one taxes. UG! JUST when you think you are getting ahead.
#3 - Cut backs at work. I work for a little organization you may have heard of, it is called NASA. I'm a contractor and all the cancellations that are happening with constellation right now, well, those are a little scary, plus my husband works here. Hopefully we will both have a job in a few months.

So hopefully that is it. I really don't want anymore. I've already got a lovely fever blister that showed up the other night. I usually take medicine for them, but by the time I realized what was happening to my poor lip it was too late.

Monday night and all day Tuesday I sulked.

Oh whoa is me!!!

So here is to three GOOD things happening! :)

Settling in, my 5K (YES I DID IT!) and my road bike...

So, I'm settling into my new job. I think I'm really going to like it. Plus it gives me one of those rare opportunities to start fresh! :) Yay! There is always the chance that you might start badly, but I'm just not going to let that happen.

So, this weekend I didn't post at all and I didn't really eat all that great. Woops-a-daisy. Time to get over it. If I have to have one bad week for every good month, well, I'll take it. I'll eventually get there.

The funny thing is two really cool things happened this last weekend. First and foremost, I DID IT PEOPLE! I ran my first 5K! And I didn't walk once! And I didn't come in dead last. In fact I came in 657 out 1068 people! Not bad at all!

And it was so fun. Candice is gonna laugh when she reads this, but it was just so much fun to pass people, lol. I wanna do one every weekend! That feeling of adventure and accomplishment! It made me completely forget that I still have 40+ pounds to go. That didn't even matter as I was sprinting (yes sprinting) towards the finish line. It was one of those rare moments when you realize it isn't all just about being skinny. It is about living. I did something I never thought I would do!

(((Can I just say I love writing this blog. I swear it is thereputic. I mean, I feel like I realize things when I write it. Ahhhh.)))

So guess what I'm gonna do next? Lol, I'm gonna sign up for a 10K in March!! I doubt I'll be able to run the whole thing, but my goal is to run at least 4 miles of it (3 w/out stopping) and have an awesome time!!

If you remember correctly I said 2 good things happened this weekend. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten the second one.

There it is!! Isn't it HOT!

Rex is not amused by bicycles.

I only got to ride it for maybe 5 minutes but it was awesome! And FAST! And I am so so so so so so psyched about the MS150! I want another adventure like the 5K!!

So, I'm determined that this week will be better than the last. I worked out hard this morning, and I am on track to be within my calorie limit. You know, I feel good doing what I've been doing for the month of January. I'm gonna fine tune things, but I know if I stick with what I'm doing now that I will get there. Yes, I really want to be little enough to do the Cabaret role in May...but if I'm not...well then I'll just go for this really neat bike ride someone told me about that last for like 5 days and is in one of the Dakotas! So there!! :)

Alright people, let's make February awesome!

The phases of accepting a weight GAIN

For me,

First there is denial...you know, where you get on the scale more than once.
Then, there is the crying...which actually feels kind of good.
Then, there is the 'this isn't worth it' phase...
And finally there is the pissed off 'well I'm gonna work my ass off so hard that next time it is gonna be different!!' phase...
Last but not least, there is the realistic phase, where you look back and see what you can improve, accept that it just doesn't make sense you gained, and move forward.

If you are lucky you get to the last phase.
And I think I have, though there might be a bit more crying today.

So you guessed it, I saw a gain, a 4 pound gain after three weeks of busting my butt.
And I know that I feel and look different, I know that I have lost fat. When I really think about it I'm confident of the fact. But the fact is also that I haven't been drinking enough water this week. I haven't been eating a balanced diet. I may have been 1500 calories or less this week, but they've usually been in one sitting. NOT a good thing. And my body is just tired. Who knows what is really going on.

So, I'll take this day as an opportunity to reassess my diet and exercise, and come up with a plan to make sure that next time the only phase I will have to deal with is celebration!! :)

Stand by for more details...

Getting Back In the Grove

So, I feel like there should be search parties out for me or something...I feel like I've been gone for so long. I feel guilty, but man, have I ever been out of it! Getting back in the grove is difficult. The last few days I haven't been eating bad, but it hasn't been balanced feeling. I also have not been able to exercise because I feel so weak. But today, I felt a lot better, so I knew that I had to start pushing it again. I don't really have time to lose.

This morning I got up and went swimming for about 20 minutes. It took me about 3 hours to convince myself to leave the house and go to the gym. I just felt awful, but as soon as I hit the water I felt sooooo much better. Freer almost. Then tonight I went to an ab class and spinning. I just can't do the ab classes. I feel so stressed and rushed the whole time that I strain my neck. Spinning was okay, but I was having some severe heart burn and didn't push it as hard as I should. Still, I pushed it more than I have been, and it was nice to at least to try to get back in the grove.

I've really missed reading blogs and stuff. With this transition at work, I just don't have the time. But tomorrow morning I'm gonna get up early before weighing in AND YES I'M GONNA WEIGH IN TOMORROW :)....I will hopefully have time to catch up on some blogs.

Hopefully everyone is doing great, I will have an awesome update for tomorrow and will get to leave some comments.

Have a good one :)

Out Sick

So Sunday night I got REALLY sick. Could barely sleep and was in the bathroom most of the night with a stomach virus or something. Monday morning I really tried to get up and get dressed, but I almost fell over every time I stood up. So, I called in sick and spent 99.9% of the day in bed. I didn't exercise, sigh, but I didn't over eat either. In fact, I didn't eat for most of the day. Today I'm at work, but I'm still very tired and very weak. Today was supposed to be a hard core workout day, but I think I'm going to allow myself to rest. If I feel like spinning at 7, I'll do that...but as for the belly dance and pilates class I wanted to try? Well, those will have to wait until next week.

This sucks because I have the 5K this Saturday.
This sucks because this Friday I AM going to weigh in (I promise).
This sucks because I feel like I'm stagnant and not moving forward.

But I refuse to allow this to suck anymore than it does, therefore I am not going to overeat.

Hopefully I'll be back at full steam tomorrow.
Thanks for all your comments. They always make me smile and remind me I'm not alone...so I can't screw up, lol.

Weekends, the bane of my existance...

This weekend has not been perfect. Far from it. But, I am not so far off the beaten track that I can't find my way back. Yesterday I did not post, might as well come clean on that one, as if you didn't know. I ate way too much yesterday and did minimum exercise. So, it was definitely a maintenance day.

Today was better. Got up early this morning and went kayaking with Sam and Helen. It was beautiful out. I love kayaking, it has been too long since I've gone, and I'm excited that it will be warming up soon so I can good more often. I've also eaten good today.

Well, looking back on it, maybe this weekend wasn't really the bane of my existence. In fact, doesn't seem that bad looking back on it. I am very tired though, so this is it for tonight. Sorry to be so boring, but man, I'm tired.

Have a great night all!