Double Post

So this morning I didn't have much to say. But I'm glad I posted anyway. I was feeling really gloomy. Even after reading all the blogs I read in the morning...something still wasn't clicking. But the day is 1/3 of the way over and I'm feeling a bit better now...so forgive me, I'm going to double post.

I'd like to address why I was feeling so poopy this morning. I told Candy that I was wanting some mexican food. I wanted some queso and gooey cheesey enchiladas. She simply asked, "Why do you think you want it." And I was able to tell her. I wanted it because I was stressed about the situation that I can't post about (lol, see below post). Also, after lunch, I realized another reason I want to binge and eat crap food today. I am worried about tomorrows weigh in. I'm worried that last week it was a fluke, that I didn't really weigh 200.8. I'm worried that this week it is going to say 205 or something. But, I know I have don't really well this past week. I have been active and stayed within my calorie range. I'm even accomplishing my 2 days of fasting. I should be confident that the scale will read out as me being under 200 tomorrow. But I'm still worried, and I've owned up to it, and surprisingly that is helping a bit with the cravings. They are still there. Part of me really wants to find comfort in food right now...but for once the part of me that wants to see the numbers on that scale go down tomorrow will not allow it.

It is SOOO strong that when a person came into my office and handed me a piece of beautiful chocolate cake (something that my mood was screaming for!) I did this:


No, that is not some fancy looking garbage can, lol. That is the little fridge I have under my desk. I'm not throwing this cake away. I'm saving it. And tomorrow morning, with a cup of low cal hot chocolate I'm going to eat some of it. Maybe two bites or so. This is going to be my reward for sticking it out today and not going and getting gooey cheesy mexican food. I know the biggest reward is my health. But the wonderful thing is I can have both. I can have a taste of this cake if I will just wait until the time is right! I can go eat cheesy gooey mexican food....when I have enough calories left to do so! It is all possible, and I can lose weight. I just noticed the garbage bags sitting on top of the fridge in the picture. How true...this is so "Tough & Easy", haha.


So...a few minutes ago I was kind of just browsing the web. Not doing much really. Googling some health stuff that I've considered talking about on my blog...when I ran across another blog...a blog that made me feel nervous to be reading...like I was an outsider...like I was trespassing.


But, the internet does this thing to me. It makes me feel liberated...because the person who writes the blog doesn't necessarily know I'm trespassing.

'What type of blog was this?' You may be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you. It was an athletes blog. Someone who does exercise as a hobby...not just a way to lose weight. In fact, I don't think this guy ever needed to lose weight.

I went even further, I looked at a couple of the people who left comments on the blog. The further I dug the more I felt like I was going to get 'caught' peeping into the lives of these healthy, and frankly beautiful, people.

I got kinda sad and kinda angry. Why did I feel like a trespasser? I run! I'm working towards a Triathlon! Damn it, I am gonna be one of these people!!!!!!!!!

So I did the unimaginable. I clicked the 'follow' button on their blogs.


Now they really might find out...I mean all they have to do is look at their 'followers' list...and they will see me...All 200 pounds of me. I imagine them, taking up their pitch forks and torches. Running the fat monster out of the village, er, I mean blog. Lol, I know I am being silly. But I think this is evidence of my doubt in myself, and that is something I've got to get over. My blog isn't called "Thin in 2010"....it says I'm gonna be Sassy!

Again, you may be asking yourself, "What the heck does she mean by saying she wants to be sassy all the time!?"

Well, it is a word that Candy commonly uses, and this is what I think it means...

Confident!

Sexy!

Risk Taker!

Beautiful!

Smart!

So I think I'm going to go explore these blogs some more. I'm going to explore the person I want to be, because the only way I become her is to just start being her.

Sorry to double post, and thanks for reading :)

Not much to say today...

Sometimes I'll have an ah-ha moment the day before, and think of something that at least I think is pretty interesting to post. And while I did have a moment yesterday where something AWESOME happened I can't post it here :( Ooooo, and I'm itching to post it. But I will soon. Don't worry. As soon as I can this is the first place I'm coming :)

So, let's just do the nitty gritty and rehash yesterday. It was a good day, not as good as I'd anticipated because of unexpected circumstances already stated above. I got up early and went to the gym. I really tried to push it during my 20 minutes of strength training, remembering the biggest loser the whole time. Then I decided to start my conquering of a new piece of equipment; the stair stepper. Did five minutes on that thing, and man did it get my heart rate up! I was really tired after that for some reason, so I have to admit I didn't really push for the next 30 minutes on the elliptical. Ate healthy yesterday too (see my calendar above for details). My calorie deficit for the day came in at a little over 1200 calories. Not bad at all.

I'm thinking I may join 24-Hour Fitness again. They have some pretty good deals going on right now, and it would be a good place to train for the Triathlon since they have a pool.

Today is a Liquid Fast day. I really want to eat. Isn't because I'm hungry, but I think I want to eat because I'm nervous about the thing I can't post yet, lol. Isn't this driving you crazy? It is driving ME crazy. This thing should really motivate me to be very strict for the next couple of weeks...but as we all know motivation comes from doing, not day dreaming. Sigh...

So today is gonna be hard folks...I know it is...and I'd be dishonest if I said that I know I can do it. Today doesn't feel so sure. Today feels rocky. But these are the days that I will prove myself to the world...These are the days I earn my new body.

Oh, and tomorrow is weigh day...just gotta hold on until weight day.

Golden Arches

Last night I tuned in with millions of others to watch the Biggest Loser season premiere. I've never watched this show from the beginning, but this season I'm going to give it a real shot.

Having the contestants weigh in at their home towns really got to me. I started thinking about the beginning of my journey. That day, I woke up early. It was just me and the dogs. I got on the scale for the first time in more than, well...I've actually never used a home scale before that. Only at the doctor's office did I see my weight, and I probably hadn't been there since high school. But anyway, I got on the scale, and I remember seeing that 269 pop up on the digital display.

I think I was so shocked that nothing really clicked at that point. I didn't cry. I just got off the scale, put it up...and proceeded to take the 'start' pictures that I still use as a reference today. Can you believe it, I remember feeling pretty in those pictures. I had dressed up more than usual for work. (To see the pictures take a look at my first post.)

Last night I started to imagine if I had to weigh-in in front of everyone; my friends, my husband, my mom, my dad, my sisters, cousins, aunts & uncles, coworkers, kids from my high school, people from my college, teachers, mentors, and throw in a few dozen people just from around the area that were simply curious. Man, that crowd would be pretty big. I'm not saying I'm popular, far from it, but a person generally accumulates lots of acquaintances through the years.

Would all of those people gasp when they saw my final number of 269? Would some of them cry? I doubt any of them would know what to say.

Sometimes this can be a lonely journey. I got up at 3:30 a.m. today because I was so excited to be done fasting and be able to workout, lol. I won't really see anyone for another hour, and it will be 8:00 a.m. before I see anyone I can talk to. I am making this journey on my own, and sometimes that is very evident to me. Few will know what I have been through, how far I have come like I, and others who have been through the same thing, will.

But I am approaching something that I never thought I would. For the first time in my life I am sure that I will eventually, sometime in the first half of this year, join the ranks of the people who reached their weight loss goal. And that realization has given me an epiphany.

For so long I thought these people were untouchable. I always regarded them with some awe for their accomplishments. I've also regarded them with severe jealousy, almost loathing resentment, if I am honest. I never really said the words out loud, but I'm sure I thought that something must have clicked in place for them to make this journey easy. They must have had a personal trainer. Or I would even think, "Well they were bigger than me. Of course they had the motivation, if not they would die!"

I apologize to all of those who have reached success that I ever thought these kinds of things about.

I have 50 pounds to go before I reach a healthy body weight. I know I have a long way to go. In no way am I in the clear. But, just like when I saw those golden arches of the McDonalds when I ran my first 3 miles without stopping...I know I'm going to make it this time. The finish line is really in sight for me.

When I get there I will be one of those people. The success stories. One of those people I search in google for so that I can get motivation.

What would I say to the people out there that are like the old me, who say I had it easy? Who say I could do it because I didn't have their problems; Their knee problems, their stresses, their work schedule? There are people like this, I've already met some of them. Friends and coworkers who just can't wrap their heads around it that it has been just as difficult for me as it is going to be for them. I know we all like to feel special, but let's face it, when it comes to weight loss very few of us have a genetic condition holding us back. It is the same basic equation; eat less + exercise more = success!

That is it. That simple...yet extremely difficult. I will never doubt again that people who have achieved great success didn't go through what I have to go through. They had to get up early in the morning and skip their husband's morning hugs, they had to say no to the pizza, they had to go to the gym when it was cold outside, they had to look in the mirror before they were successful and see what they still had to defeat & accomplish.

This is a huge realization for me. Because of this I know I will finish. People have pushed through this before. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Okay, so down to the nitty gritty of actually doing it eh?

Got up early today because I want to get a LOT done! I don't really want to say what I want to accomplish. Instead, I want to come back tomorrow and tell you what I have accomplished. I am really excited about the Triathlon in May. Today I will be putting a training schedule together. I'll probably make the next month or so very detailed, and then outline general details until the big day. But again, I don't really want to post all this on my blog until I've done it. That gives me extra motivation to actually do it all!

Yesterday I successfully fasted with 200 calories or less of liquids. Also took two light walks with Candy during the day. Did I mention how much I love that girl? Just one of the best people you will ever meet in your entire life. Like, I seriously worry that I'm not good enough to be her friend sometimes! :)

Alright people, I've written enough. It is time for me to get dressed and hit the oh so cold and lonely road, lol. I hope if anyone is reading this that you have an amazing day....and if you need to embark on a weigh loss journey, we have all been there...at the beginning, where it feels hopeless. But we just kept going, and guess what? One step at a time, and you can travel across the world.

The Adventure & my Fears

I want my life to be an adventure. THAT is why I'm losing weight.

I came to that realization yesterday when I was running in a circle. I realized I hated it because it was mundane and boring, and not an adventure.

You know how people tell you why they want to lose weight? What their motivation is...well, I never really knew for sure. For some people it is their kids, well nothing against you guys, but I don't want kids ever, so that doesn't fit the bill. Yes I want to live a long life, but that has never been a pressing enough issue for me to really get up and go...at least, it isn't a pressing issue yet. About the closest thing that I've ever been able to pin point down as my real motivation is the desire to be hot. Yeh, I know it is pretty vain, but whatever.

But really, none of these 'motivators' ever made it stick.

But running in that circle yesterday, I started thinking about why I hated running in a circle. I hate it because it is not an adventure. I want to explore! And try new things! That is why this picture make me want to run...


You see that bend, at the end of the path. I want to see what is around that bend. To be cheesy and quote Disney:

What I love most about rivers is:
You can't step in the same river twice
The water's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the riverbend
Waiting just around the riverbend

I look once more
Just around the riverbend
Beyond the shore
Where the gulls fly free
Don't know what for
What I dream the day might send
Jut around the riverbend
For me
Coming for me

Yes, that is why I want to lose weight and be healthy...because I've never met a fat person that had a really adventurous life. The only fat people I have met, including myself, sit around all day dreaming for a beautiful life. Most of them never go out and get it. And that is exactly what I'm going to do, I am going to go out and get that adventure!

...Just to name a few...

Am I afraid of heights? Yes
Am I afraid I could possibly die doing several of these things? Yes
Am I afraid I'm going to look stupid doing or training for them? Yes
Am I afraid I will fail? Yes
Am I afraid I will not get to do them all? Yes
Am I afraid? Yes

You know, Project 365 wrote about fear today. (Stop by her blog if you haven't, this girl has got it together! I can't wait to see her continued results.) I'm going to steal a quote she had on her blog today, because it really hit the spot.

"It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before...to test your limits...to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

I am more afraid to never try than I have ever been of not succeeding.



I guess I should blog a little bit about how my days going, lol. It is going good :)
I'm fasting today. My husband brought me a chocolate covered oreo (omg) but I'm saving it for tomorrow morning. It is going to taste so good! Went for a walk with Candice, and I hope I get to go for another one this afternoon. Gonna watch the Biggest Loser tonight! Woot! (Stuipd me thought it started yesterday, so that was a let down). I can't wait to run tomorrow. I'm going to try a park that I have kayaked at before. It will be an adventure! :)

PS - It is so freaking cold here in Houston, Texas. It is literally freezing outside! But, I'm not gonna let it be an excuse!! Instead I just bought some long underwear, lol.

Have a great day all!

Running in Circles and Skater Accessories

Okay people, I cannot run in circles. I hate it. Maybe this is the reason I always disliked running before, I always tried to run at a track or the big loop of my neighborhood.

Yesterday I came home after a pretty good day. I had gone for a 20 min walk with Candy, spent 30 minutes weight lifting, spent 30 minutes on the elliptical, and did 100 crunches. Then I ran by Wal-mart, and when I got home I put on my warm running clothes meaning to run my whole neighborhood twice (3 miles).

After about, oh, 60 seconds, I started to get really pissed off. I mean, I was REALLY irritable. I hated the running. All I could think about was the pain, my mind wasn't going to that nice blissful state it has been going to...when I exclaimed, out loud mind you, "I hate running in circles!"

Funny what you say something without thinking about it becomes the key to understanding something so clearly.

It is true, running in circles blows. I have no sense of moving forward and the whole time it is way too easy for me to concentrate on how much time I have left, because I can see how much farther I have to go. It is like being on the elliptical and watching the clock, which I do.

Why is this important? Why does it matter if I am counting down the time?

Well, simply enough, running is painful. It is the most painful exercise I have ever done. I don't mean my joints hurt or anything, but I can feel the burn running unlike I can feel it doing anything else. The elliptical is easy (I know some people may not agree yet, lol). I can day dream, sing along to my mp3 player, etc. But with running my mind needs to go numb so that I don't even think about the pain and burn I'm feeling from the workout. And with running in a circle that just doesn't happen.

So, yesterday I probably ran a whole 1/4 of a mile, lol. Then I walked back home. The walk was nice, I can walk in circles. So...that probably seems like I typed out a huge long excuse for not running the 3 miles I set out to do. And I could look at it that way, but instead I am going to look at it as a lesson:

I will never run in circles!

This doesn't just apply to running. It applies to weight loss or any other endeavor. Going in circles pisses me off. (Though I really like it when my schnauzer Reeses chases her tail. No wonder she gets so pissed at it! It is making her go in circles!! :) )

So yesterday I had a small victory, well, actually kind of a big one if you think about it. (be forewarned, I'm about to talk about undergarments, gasp!)

Went to Wal-mart to buy new underwear and socks for both me and my husband. (Sorry people, I'm not spending good money on underwear until I'm closer to my goal weight). Well, There were people on all the isles for 'big girl underwear'. Hopefully someone knows what I'm talking about. When I was at my biggest (269) I wore a size 10 underwear, yikes! The lowest I had ever worn was a size 8. Well, I got stuck on an isle that the highest they had were size 7.

I knew that I should have turned around and just wedged my way into the big girl underwear isles, amidst all the other large women. But then I saw them! Panties with...with... roller skates on them! They aren't rollerblades, but they were soooo cute! I bit my lip and took a chance, grabbing the size 7 panties and putting them underneath the socks in the basket.

I don't know why I did this? Maybe I was worried someone would see them and sneer, "Ain't no way that girl gonna fit into a size 7!" Lol, as if anyone cares.

But they fit people! And they are so cute!! Lol. Sorry if that was TMI, but these things seem like huge accomplishments.

So today...

Today is my first liquid fast day this week. I'm not too worried about the fasting part, but a little irritated that it also means it is a 'rest' day and I won't be doing any exercise. I'm getting nervous about Friday. I am crossing my fingers that the scale moves. If it does I'll be under 200, anything under 199 is a new low, so it should be exciting.

Wednesday I'm going swimming with the girl I will be doing a triathlon with in May. I can't tell you how psyched I am to know that I am to finish that triathlon! And I should be at my goal weight, if not extremely close to it, by that time.

Ah, there is so much I'd like to type, but I really want to go snuggle with my hubby for a few more minutes in bed.

I hope everyone has a great day today...and I am determined, that even if today sucks, I am going to be great! Lol.

Pics from the Weekend

This is not today's official post, but I wanted to go ahead and upload the pictures I was unable to put up this weekend.

When I drove into Challenger Park I had to stop and take a picture of the buzzards that were just hanging out on these picnic tables. They were HUGE and there must have been at least 20 of them all together.

This is the path at Challenger Park.
Doesn't that just make you WANT to run?

Pics from around the park. Great kayaking area.

Here are the RollerDerby girls, lol. We snuck the picture.

Sam being...well, being Sam :)

Thought this was a fun 'action' shot.
Though neither of us fell this weekend, it kind of gives that feeling.

Me, not looking as cool as I felt, lol.

Me and my sista! :)

Ah, makes me wanna get out there and do something. Unfortunately, I'm stuck at this desk most of the day. At least it will keep me from eating, and I am so gonna force Candice to go for a couple of walks :)

Alright peeps, let's make it happen!

I can't think of a title!

But I have to post, because that is part of my commitment to the Perfect 10 Challenge :)...So, here I am.

Yesterday was both awesome and not so awesome at the same time. In the morning I got up and went to Challenger Park to meet my sis for some RollerBlading practice. I got there early and went for a 15 min walk/run. I didn't want to run too hard, since the day before I had really pushed myself to run 3 miles. Not to mention my right ankle was a little tinder for some reason.

It was a beautiful morning, and I took pictures...but I'll have to post them tomorrow because my usb cable for my camera is at work :(.

After the walk/run I got geared up for skating. Here is a pic my sister sam posted on facebook of me when she drove up. Not looking too shabby if I do say so myself :)

Funny story; When sam was putting on her stuff three cars pulled up, and guess who got out? You guessed it! Roller derby girls, there to practice! Hahaha. And me, wabbling around, hoping not to fall down. Sam said we should feel cool, because we picked the place to practice where they come to practice. They ended up being nice, skating over to us and saying, "Hey skaters!" Of course they were all beautiful and in great shape...good motivation to give this rollerblading thing a real go. In fact, I'm going to try and get out a few times this week to practice. Sam and I may even go see a Roller Derby match soon.

So yeh, that was pretty awesome...

But, it wasn't awesome that I was hungry....REALLY hungry yesterday. I ate way too much. I had no deficit, in fact, I came in as just maintenance...Ug. That is why you will notice the 2nd is highlighted in Orange on my calendar. Orange is going to indicate maintenance, Red is going to indicate a surplus of calories, and green...well that means success! A 1000 calorie or more deficit!

And, as you see, today was one of those days! :)

I ate pretty healthy, and even went running for 1.5 miles...again without stopping. The without stopping thing just makes me so happy. I went down the road from my house to Jack Brooks Park. It is well known for its mountain biking trails, but let me tell you, it was a beautiful place to run.

I am really excited for tomorrow. Weekdays are soooo much easier than weekends. Of course, I wanna be extra good this week so that I can see those weigh in results on Friday, plus I have the 5K run Saturday morning. I'm super excited. My hubby is going to let me take the Mustang to the run :) It is just a little modded, hehe. It will be a lot of fun to drive away in that car after finishing my first 5k. Haven't asked her yet, but I'm really hoping Sam will go with me. Plus I need someone to take a picture when I'm done! :) :) :)

The plan for this week is to run 3 miles Monday and Wednesday, Liquid Fast Tuesday and Thursday, and run 1.5 miles on Friday. Also going to try to walk at least once a day at work, and I want to do 30 min on the elliptical MWF, and lift weights MWF. Whew, if I don't see results next Friday I'm going to be surprised.

((Just have to note here that I'm sitting on the couch next to my boxer Rex and he is having a dream. It is sooo cute :P ))

Well, I hope everyone is doing great. I don't really feel like this post had much meaning but, if it is enough to keep me going that is good enough.

Tomorrow is a big day! I'm registering to go back to school (woot!) and Biggest Loser starts, lol, not that that matters much. Just something to watch and motivate me.

Alright people, lets make it a good week!