More from yesterday..

Okay, so I wanted to type a lot more last night, but my husband was literally staring over my shoulder. Don't get me wrong, he can read anything I write here...but, when I'm writing I get into cheesy Olivia mode, and I would be embarrassed if someone actually watched while I wrote. I asked him if he was gonna read it...he said no, but shortly after he was like, "you drank coffee??" Okay, so yeh...this is kind of an extension of yesterday...

Yesterday I felt so victorious! What a difference one little day can make. I managed to eat well through out the day, and then when I got home I got out of the car, didn't even go inside my house, and went for a run. (It was sunny outside so I didn't want to go on the treadmill, and am avoiding the path at work because I'm scared of the deer, hehe.) I ran 1.95ish miles (sorry, I'm rounding it up to 2 miles)...and on the last 1/8 of a mile I sprinted. I just pushed and pushed and pushed. Was a very good workout!

Why after such a good feeling would I go back to my slovenly ways? It makes no sense, but I know that temptation is always there, so I have to be aware of it.

That brings me to a point I've been meaning to discuss...

A few days ago, when I got to work, a friend of mine left a comment on my instant messanger. He had left it the day before after reading some of my blog, especially the stuff about the 12 step stuff. Hopefully he doesn't mind me posting his comment here.

I just noticed your blog and read some. You are brave for putting that all out there. Yes, men are emotioanl eaters too, I sure am. I also do think that the addiction model works when emotional eating is involved as it does for alcohol. Both are ingested to change the way one feels - a sure indicator of addiction. AA tells new people not to get too wrapped up in the why (emotions), they tell you to just accept it and focus on what Jung called a rearrangement of the mind. Basically, you just need change everything and become something new. Here is a pretty good explanation: http://www.nautis.com/2004/08/node-89

The link he sent me was to an article. The most import part of which, in my mind, was the following;

"When Roland reportedly asked Jung if there was any sure way for an alcoholic to recover — truly recover, Jung is quoted as saying, “Yes, there is. Exceptions to cases such as yours have been occurring since early times. Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. In fact, I have been trying to produce some such emotional rearrangement within you. With many individuals the methods which I employed are successful, but I have never been successful with an alcoholic of your description.”

It seems that Jung’s pronouncement that the only hope for Roland was a “spiritual experience” was the final straw in Roland’s treatment. He was deflated to the point of “giving up.” As a result he had the 'rearrangement'..."

A few things stand out to me here...

• AA tells new people not to get too wrapped up in the why (emotions), they tell you to just accept it and focus on what Jung called a rearrangement of the mind.
• They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.

I wish there was a recipe that would prompt this 'rearrangement', that would change my 'motives'. I read the wiki on Analytical Psychology, Jungian Archetypes and Individuation...and let me tell you, my head is hurting. I need to explore myself.

The part about, "AA tells new people not to get too wrapped up in the why (emotions)," Maybe there is something to this, and I plan to really investigate this thought. It is hard for me to conceive the idea that I can accept the way something is, and still change...no rearrange...it. That means you never really get rid of the temptation...something else just takes priority.

Again, something I just need to think on...I think there is something here. Acceptance and what not. I did find this poem, and somehow it made something click...somehow it helped me understand the kind of acceptance I need in order to choose to give priority to what I want in life...

The Guest House - By Rimi

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

So, today I'm gonna try to do it again! I will be victorious! :) So far I had my Omelet Thinger (a bunch of veggies over egg beaters and some cheese). The good thing is I made it even healthier than usual by using very light butter (25 calories), and fat free cheese (35 calories)....it brought the whole thing to a total of about 150 calories.

Okay, think I'm gonna sneak back into bed for a bit and hug my hubby. I hope you all have a great day.

OH! almost forgot. I really wanted to thank everyone who has been commenting. I feel very flattered and motivated that people I respect, and read their blog almost every day, actually take their time to stop by and comment. Kinda feels like meeting a celebrity or something, hehe.

Victory!

That is right, I feel victorious over one single day....and it feels GREAT!

Food for today:

Cheese Stick - 60 Calories

Coffee w/Creamer - 125 Calories

Salad - 150 Calories

Chips - 130 Calories

Hot Chocolate - 50 Calories

Dinner - 500 Calories

Peanut Butter/Celery - 200 Calories

Total - 1215 Calories

And, I ran 2 miles. :)

So yeh, feel pretty awesome...but very sleepy. Will write more tomorrow.

Waking UP

Have you ever had one of those days where you just wake up? Where you say, 'WTF have I been DOING!?" It is like you were under a fog or something, or even under the influence of drugs. I have a week every month (ladies, you know what I'm talking about) where I seem to get lost, and the day I finally wake up feels soooooo good! It also makes me feel ashamed, but I'm not gonna waist my time dwelling on that.

Talked to Candice today, and she told me it has been 60 days since she binged or overate. Holy COW! SIXTY DAYS! That is such a HUGE accomplishment. She just keeps going, and she is seeing those results. I have to admit I'm jealousy, but here's a little secret...jealousy is great fuel for a fat person like myself :) It really makes me get my butt in gear.

I will write more later today, I PROMISE! But, I just wanted to get that out there.

Don't give up on me world,
but even if you do,
I'm not going to give up on myself.

What should I title this?

Titles are overrated anyway!

Oh Mondays, how I love them! Fresh starts! A new week! Yay!

This week I need to run 2 miles...and I'm setting the bar higher...EVERY DAY!
This week I am going to stay under 1500 calories...EVERY DAY!
This week I am going to take breaks at work and take 30 min walks...EVERYDAY!
This week I am going to do my ab workout...EVERYDAY!
This week I am going to do weight training FOUR times instead of three.
This week I am going to take a 30 min walk in the evening...EVERYDAY!
This week I am going to type a blog entry before bed...EVERYDAY!

That's right people, this week I'm going to push it!!!
I WILL NOT start 2010 weighing more than 200 pounds.
In fact, I'd really like to be closer to 195 by the beginning of the year.

Yesterday we went to Galveston, to the strand, and had lunch. Then we walked around to all the shops. I had so much fun! More fun than I have EVER had walking around the strand...and I realized why! Because whenever I used to walk around the strand I would get tired! And grumpy! I always just thought I hated shopping, lol. But no, I just hated moving at all, because I was too big. These last 15-20 pounds really have made a big difference. :)

Okay, hopefully knowing I have to post later tonight will keep me honest through the day :)

Have a good one!

12 Steps...

As we all know from yesterday's post, I was not doing too good on food. But, on the way home I went to the grocery store and picked up all sorts of healthy stuff. When I got home I made my husband a bowl of Chili and me and omelet. I also made a big fruit salad and some pumpkin smoothies for this morning ((which I had, and they were delicious!)).

My husband and I were getting ready to crawl in bed and he was heating up some french bread I'd gotten him ((that boy LOVES bread!)) Well, I started talking to him about how I really need help to be better on my calories. I told him I need to stop eating what he eats...just because he is eating. He was like, 'Okay.' THEN, can you believe it? I tried to go eat some french bread, and this stuff was not just carborific, but it was COATED in butter! My husband stood in the door to the bedroom, not letting me pass and said, "Sorry, you don't get to eat that." And, can you believe this, I got angry! I mean, REALLY angry! I threw a little tantrum and tried to convince him I could eat the french bread..I remember clearly thinking about telling him "Oh sweetie, let's start being strict tomorrow..."

Did I mention I love my husband? he stopped me from eating the french bread, and instead I had a little bowl of fruit :) Just as satisfying, and I didn't feel like a failure afterwards.

The crazy thing is how angry I got. Why did I get angry? He did exactly what I'd asked him too! It is almost like when you are a teenager, and you don't really want something but your parents tell you no, so you automatically rebel and want that thing like crazy!! These episodes (and yes, they've happened before) make me realize what a food addict I am. I am like an alcoholic who hasn't really confronted their problem...I think I can have 'just one little drink' and then go back to being sober. But it really doesn't work that way.

**Wow, writing that just made me really understand myself!**

This sounds weird...but perhaps I should consider doing a '12 step program'. I'll have to modify the steps a little for my beliefs, but I wonder if it would help me. I don't want to be addicted to food, I just want to use it for sustenance. Imagine the FREEDOM that would give me? Seriously, sometimes it feels like food enslaves me! And it is all my choice, I go to it, arms outstretched and say, "okay, put on the shackles."

No more people! No more addictions! I demand my freedom!

(okay, yeh, I feel great!!)

But seriously...I think I should go through the 12 steps...let's see what they are...

These are the original Twelve Steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous adapted for food addiction and my personal religious beliefs:

1. We admitted we were powerless over food—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a return to the natural order of things will restore my life to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the nature's standards.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to remove all these defects of character.

7. Understand, meditate on, and work to remove my shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through meditation to improve our conscious awareness of the natural state of things, knowledge of how my body should be naturally, and the self control to get myself to that point.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to help other over eaters, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

So, today, I'll start with step 1, but I'm gonna modify it a little bit...

I admit that I am powerless over food if I choose to be. I admit that when I allow myself to be powerless that my life in completely unmanageable. Not just my weight, but all aspects of my life. Overeating hurts my marriage, my career, and anything else I am involved in.

So, what is my emotion for today?

I feel liberated!

Why?: Because I have taken some time to explore my feelings, to reflect on what I've done, and I've realized that food has control over me when I allow it too. I've realized it is all a choice. I also feel great because I have eaten healthy so far today, and last night. This morning I not only went to Candice's house to walk the horses, I ran a little bit with Woodrow while I did it!

How can I recreate this emotion in the future? Well, I need to take sometime every day to really think about myself. Perhaps I should take up meditation. Of course, this blog seems to be helping.

Oh, btw, I didn't exercise yesterday :(...but that is okay because I am gonna exercise like crazy this weekend! Saturday AND Sunday! If the weather is nice I might go run at the beach :)

Thanks for reading, and have a great day!!

Emotions & 'Oh Deer!'

I don't know if it is like this for men, because my husband never seems to be affected...but emotions play a huge role in my weight loss. In fact, if it wasn't for emotions and moods I know that I would be to my weight loss goal already. But, I'll get into a mood where I feel hopeless, sad, or the worst...apathetic...then I'll settle for a calorie range that is just maintenance, or I will put no resistance on the machine I work out on.

I want to control these emotions. I want to have enough control to confront why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling, and then be able to change it. I am going to try. I am really going to try and zero in on my emotion every day...even when I'm feeling good...so that I can learn the secrets to why I feel the way I feel. Maybe if I know that then I can change it.

Today's Emotion: So, today I started out feeling defeated and I thought trying to lose weight was pointless.
Why?: I made a high fat dinner for my husband last night, and I let myself give in and eat it all with him. I also didn't go to Candice's this morning and walk the dogs because I wasn't feeling well. I know there may be nothing I can do about that, but I still have to be honest that it is part of the reason I didn't feel good.
How can I fix it?: Taking a walk with Candice today was a start. I feel much more motivated after seeing her, always do. I am going to the store after work and picking up some more healthy food. I'm going to make a big fruit salad that I can eat on for the next 4-5 days in the morning, plus I'll pick out what I'm going to eat for lunch and dinner.
How can I avoid it in the future?: Don't give in to those silly temptations. Being thin and healthy will taste far better than anything I cook at least :)

Maybe if I confront these moods I will be able to get out of them faster. As many of you know, it often becomes a downward spiral where you simply can't get out of a funk. But today I'm gonna go to the gym and then for dinner I'm having a healthy omelet. Even if my hubby wants something else, I am the only one responsible for myself.

So....funny story...
yesterday I decided to run along the trail at work. It was cold, but sunny, so I wanted to take advantage of the ability to run outdoors. Well, we have a lot of deer where I work, and did you k now it is mating season? So anytime you see a doe you are pretty sure to see a buck. Usually this doesn't bother me...but, the other day a coworker sent me these pictures in an email of two bucks fighting. It was pretty sad, graphic, and scary.

So, I'm running along, feeling good...have gone about .75 miles...when I see this big group of deer kinda running away from me. This is completely normal...except one deer isn't moving. As I jog closer I see the beg antlers on this sucker and he looks like he is in a defensive pose about 8 or 10 feet from the trail. I kinda start to slow down at this point, visions flash through my mind of the two bucks fighting, and I realize "holy crap, that thing could kill me if it wanted too!" so at that point I stop all together and think to myself,

"It could run me down and kill me...and it wouldn't be a quick death either...i mean, it would stab me and stomp on me to death! and I haven't even reached my goal weight yet...I mean, maybe if I was thin and hot and someone found me slaughtered by a deer, well that would at least be something...but the head lines would probably read 'fat a** couldn't run fast enough and was attacked by angry buck'...not to mention all the deer at work would probably be killed off because I was stupid and ran by a big angry buck."

At that point I turned around, checking every so often to make sure he wasn't following me, haha. The good thing is it was still 1.5 miles! My goal! Yay! But, for now, until mating season is over, I think I'll stick to the treadmill. It is cold outside anyway.

Food today? Well (and brace yourself, this is bad..)

3 sausage balls (~150 cals)
1 cup hot chocolate (~50 cals)
2 Snickerdoodle Cookies (~320 cals)
Indian Food, 2 plates (~1200 cals)
Energy Drink (~180 cals)

Subtotal - 1900

Yikes..for dinner I'll be having an omelet, maybe some fruit for desert, so that will be another 300 calories. Maintenance basically. But, any exercise I do will be a deficit.

Tonight at the gym I don't have to lift weights. Therefore I need to run my 1.5 miles and do 30 minutes on the elliptical. That should burn 5-600 calories. Not too bad really, for such a big binge day.

What is my mood now? Optimistic! Hey maybe this worked!

Thanks for reading!

The Biggest Loser

So, as many of us know, the road to being healthy...especially one as long as mine...is dotted with many revelations. I've had this one before, in a way, but it is always good to reflect.

Last night my husband and I watched the Biggest Loser Finale. I knew it would be some good motivation and was happy I got to see it. It had occured to me a year or so ago, as I sat watching the finale of that season that I could literally be a contestant on the Biggest Loser. I weighed as much as many of the women on the show, sometimes a little more than some of the contestants. That was my revelation then..."Oh crap, I'm a fat a**" basically, haha.

But last night I realized something different. When I'm done with this...heck even now...I have lost as much, and I will probably lose more, than many of the contestants on the show. It reminded me of how far I've come. 70 pounds is a lot of weight. In fact it is 25% of my body weight. When I finally reach my weightloss goal I will have lost 40% of my body weight. 40 PERCENT!

Realizing this made me want to get it done. I can easily finish this by May, so what am I waiting for??

Of course, all this happened yesterday after I didn't run my 1.5 miles and I kinda binged on dinner...well, didn't really binge, but my calories were probably close to 2500 total yesterday. But, my attitude is much healthier than it used to be. Like I've said before...We human's have a long life span, so we get a lot of new beginnings. Every day is a new beginning, every moment...I'm not going to waist those opportunities grieving over a Mexican casserole! That would be really dumb! Just enjoy the food I ate, and realize that I would enjoy being skinny more!

So...today I had a delicious breakfast burrito. It was basically my omelet I make wrapped up in a tortilla. So, breakfast was about 250 calories. I had a Sugar Free Rockstar, 20 calories. For lunch my hubby wants to go to a mexican food place we like. I will get something there very healthy, and will try to keep lunch under 600 calories. Then, for dinner tonight...I'm going to have a turkey breast and lots of veggies. I will need to keep it under 350 calories. If I have enough calories left I'll have some hot chocolate. I will run my 1.5 miles today, and I will also run it on Saturday since I missed yesterday. Also gonna do my weights, and if I have time I really want to push it and do some time on the elliptical or maybe walk a while. I really need to drink some water, lol, all I've had is this energy drink.

On another note, I love going over to Candice's house in the morning. It really starts me off on the right foot and gets me motivated for the rest of the day. I really liked walking Woodrow today. He is such a good puppy :) Makes me feel like I have an extra horse...er, I mean dog that I don't have to take care of all the time, lol.

Thank for reading!