12 Steps...

As we all know from yesterday's post, I was not doing too good on food. But, on the way home I went to the grocery store and picked up all sorts of healthy stuff. When I got home I made my husband a bowl of Chili and me and omelet. I also made a big fruit salad and some pumpkin smoothies for this morning ((which I had, and they were delicious!)).

My husband and I were getting ready to crawl in bed and he was heating up some french bread I'd gotten him ((that boy LOVES bread!)) Well, I started talking to him about how I really need help to be better on my calories. I told him I need to stop eating what he eats...just because he is eating. He was like, 'Okay.' THEN, can you believe it? I tried to go eat some french bread, and this stuff was not just carborific, but it was COATED in butter! My husband stood in the door to the bedroom, not letting me pass and said, "Sorry, you don't get to eat that." And, can you believe this, I got angry! I mean, REALLY angry! I threw a little tantrum and tried to convince him I could eat the french bread..I remember clearly thinking about telling him "Oh sweetie, let's start being strict tomorrow..."

Did I mention I love my husband? he stopped me from eating the french bread, and instead I had a little bowl of fruit :) Just as satisfying, and I didn't feel like a failure afterwards.

The crazy thing is how angry I got. Why did I get angry? He did exactly what I'd asked him too! It is almost like when you are a teenager, and you don't really want something but your parents tell you no, so you automatically rebel and want that thing like crazy!! These episodes (and yes, they've happened before) make me realize what a food addict I am. I am like an alcoholic who hasn't really confronted their problem...I think I can have 'just one little drink' and then go back to being sober. But it really doesn't work that way.

**Wow, writing that just made me really understand myself!**

This sounds weird...but perhaps I should consider doing a '12 step program'. I'll have to modify the steps a little for my beliefs, but I wonder if it would help me. I don't want to be addicted to food, I just want to use it for sustenance. Imagine the FREEDOM that would give me? Seriously, sometimes it feels like food enslaves me! And it is all my choice, I go to it, arms outstretched and say, "okay, put on the shackles."

No more people! No more addictions! I demand my freedom!

(okay, yeh, I feel great!!)

But seriously...I think I should go through the 12 steps...let's see what they are...

These are the original Twelve Steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous adapted for food addiction and my personal religious beliefs:

1. We admitted we were powerless over food—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a return to the natural order of things will restore my life to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the nature's standards.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to remove all these defects of character.

7. Understand, meditate on, and work to remove my shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through meditation to improve our conscious awareness of the natural state of things, knowledge of how my body should be naturally, and the self control to get myself to that point.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to help other over eaters, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

So, today, I'll start with step 1, but I'm gonna modify it a little bit...

I admit that I am powerless over food if I choose to be. I admit that when I allow myself to be powerless that my life in completely unmanageable. Not just my weight, but all aspects of my life. Overeating hurts my marriage, my career, and anything else I am involved in.

So, what is my emotion for today?

I feel liberated!

Why?: Because I have taken some time to explore my feelings, to reflect on what I've done, and I've realized that food has control over me when I allow it too. I've realized it is all a choice. I also feel great because I have eaten healthy so far today, and last night. This morning I not only went to Candice's house to walk the horses, I ran a little bit with Woodrow while I did it!

How can I recreate this emotion in the future? Well, I need to take sometime every day to really think about myself. Perhaps I should take up meditation. Of course, this blog seems to be helping.

Oh, btw, I didn't exercise yesterday :(...but that is okay because I am gonna exercise like crazy this weekend! Saturday AND Sunday! If the weather is nice I might go run at the beach :)

Thanks for reading, and have a great day!!

Emotions & 'Oh Deer!'

I don't know if it is like this for men, because my husband never seems to be affected...but emotions play a huge role in my weight loss. In fact, if it wasn't for emotions and moods I know that I would be to my weight loss goal already. But, I'll get into a mood where I feel hopeless, sad, or the worst...apathetic...then I'll settle for a calorie range that is just maintenance, or I will put no resistance on the machine I work out on.

I want to control these emotions. I want to have enough control to confront why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling, and then be able to change it. I am going to try. I am really going to try and zero in on my emotion every day...even when I'm feeling good...so that I can learn the secrets to why I feel the way I feel. Maybe if I know that then I can change it.

Today's Emotion: So, today I started out feeling defeated and I thought trying to lose weight was pointless.
Why?: I made a high fat dinner for my husband last night, and I let myself give in and eat it all with him. I also didn't go to Candice's this morning and walk the dogs because I wasn't feeling well. I know there may be nothing I can do about that, but I still have to be honest that it is part of the reason I didn't feel good.
How can I fix it?: Taking a walk with Candice today was a start. I feel much more motivated after seeing her, always do. I am going to the store after work and picking up some more healthy food. I'm going to make a big fruit salad that I can eat on for the next 4-5 days in the morning, plus I'll pick out what I'm going to eat for lunch and dinner.
How can I avoid it in the future?: Don't give in to those silly temptations. Being thin and healthy will taste far better than anything I cook at least :)

Maybe if I confront these moods I will be able to get out of them faster. As many of you know, it often becomes a downward spiral where you simply can't get out of a funk. But today I'm gonna go to the gym and then for dinner I'm having a healthy omelet. Even if my hubby wants something else, I am the only one responsible for myself.

So....funny story...
yesterday I decided to run along the trail at work. It was cold, but sunny, so I wanted to take advantage of the ability to run outdoors. Well, we have a lot of deer where I work, and did you k now it is mating season? So anytime you see a doe you are pretty sure to see a buck. Usually this doesn't bother me...but, the other day a coworker sent me these pictures in an email of two bucks fighting. It was pretty sad, graphic, and scary.

So, I'm running along, feeling good...have gone about .75 miles...when I see this big group of deer kinda running away from me. This is completely normal...except one deer isn't moving. As I jog closer I see the beg antlers on this sucker and he looks like he is in a defensive pose about 8 or 10 feet from the trail. I kinda start to slow down at this point, visions flash through my mind of the two bucks fighting, and I realize "holy crap, that thing could kill me if it wanted too!" so at that point I stop all together and think to myself,

"It could run me down and kill me...and it wouldn't be a quick death either...i mean, it would stab me and stomp on me to death! and I haven't even reached my goal weight yet...I mean, maybe if I was thin and hot and someone found me slaughtered by a deer, well that would at least be something...but the head lines would probably read 'fat a** couldn't run fast enough and was attacked by angry buck'...not to mention all the deer at work would probably be killed off because I was stupid and ran by a big angry buck."

At that point I turned around, checking every so often to make sure he wasn't following me, haha. The good thing is it was still 1.5 miles! My goal! Yay! But, for now, until mating season is over, I think I'll stick to the treadmill. It is cold outside anyway.

Food today? Well (and brace yourself, this is bad..)

3 sausage balls (~150 cals)
1 cup hot chocolate (~50 cals)
2 Snickerdoodle Cookies (~320 cals)
Indian Food, 2 plates (~1200 cals)
Energy Drink (~180 cals)

Subtotal - 1900

Yikes..for dinner I'll be having an omelet, maybe some fruit for desert, so that will be another 300 calories. Maintenance basically. But, any exercise I do will be a deficit.

Tonight at the gym I don't have to lift weights. Therefore I need to run my 1.5 miles and do 30 minutes on the elliptical. That should burn 5-600 calories. Not too bad really, for such a big binge day.

What is my mood now? Optimistic! Hey maybe this worked!

Thanks for reading!

The Biggest Loser

So, as many of us know, the road to being healthy...especially one as long as mine...is dotted with many revelations. I've had this one before, in a way, but it is always good to reflect.

Last night my husband and I watched the Biggest Loser Finale. I knew it would be some good motivation and was happy I got to see it. It had occured to me a year or so ago, as I sat watching the finale of that season that I could literally be a contestant on the Biggest Loser. I weighed as much as many of the women on the show, sometimes a little more than some of the contestants. That was my revelation then..."Oh crap, I'm a fat a**" basically, haha.

But last night I realized something different. When I'm done with this...heck even now...I have lost as much, and I will probably lose more, than many of the contestants on the show. It reminded me of how far I've come. 70 pounds is a lot of weight. In fact it is 25% of my body weight. When I finally reach my weightloss goal I will have lost 40% of my body weight. 40 PERCENT!

Realizing this made me want to get it done. I can easily finish this by May, so what am I waiting for??

Of course, all this happened yesterday after I didn't run my 1.5 miles and I kinda binged on dinner...well, didn't really binge, but my calories were probably close to 2500 total yesterday. But, my attitude is much healthier than it used to be. Like I've said before...We human's have a long life span, so we get a lot of new beginnings. Every day is a new beginning, every moment...I'm not going to waist those opportunities grieving over a Mexican casserole! That would be really dumb! Just enjoy the food I ate, and realize that I would enjoy being skinny more!

So...today I had a delicious breakfast burrito. It was basically my omelet I make wrapped up in a tortilla. So, breakfast was about 250 calories. I had a Sugar Free Rockstar, 20 calories. For lunch my hubby wants to go to a mexican food place we like. I will get something there very healthy, and will try to keep lunch under 600 calories. Then, for dinner tonight...I'm going to have a turkey breast and lots of veggies. I will need to keep it under 350 calories. If I have enough calories left I'll have some hot chocolate. I will run my 1.5 miles today, and I will also run it on Saturday since I missed yesterday. Also gonna do my weights, and if I have time I really want to push it and do some time on the elliptical or maybe walk a while. I really need to drink some water, lol, all I've had is this energy drink.

On another note, I love going over to Candice's house in the morning. It really starts me off on the right foot and gets me motivated for the rest of the day. I really liked walking Woodrow today. He is such a good puppy :) Makes me feel like I have an extra horse...er, I mean dog that I don't have to take care of all the time, lol.

Thank for reading!

Yesterday I did 1.5 miles! yay! I also did 45ish minutes of weight training. The weights were SO much easier than last week. Seriously, I thought the machine was broken when I got on it, because the weight I was using last week felt like air. The gym was crowded so I didn't get to do the warm up on the elliptical like I wanted. Instead I got on the treadmill, walked for .5 of a mile, and then started running. Then I cooled down for a few minutes until my heart rate got down to a normal range (when I was running it got up to 175 bpm!)

I can't believe I feel comfortable running in front of people. I mean, my face does get really red and the sweat is dripping off...but I just don't feel like I look completely OBESE anymore. It felt kind of cool to be running on the treadmills with all these other people, it was like I was one of them! A runner...too cool! :)

This morning I went to Candice's and we walked her dogs for about 30 minutes. It was a pretty good workout because she has two HUGE Rhodesian Ridge-backs. Keeping hold of them certainly got my heart rate up! It was good to get up early and get going. Plus it was nice to see my best friend. I wish I knew her sooner in life, because I bet we would have been awesome room mates! In trouble all the time, but awesome!

Work is really irritating me today. People are b*tchy because we are having a bunch of moves. I want to be helpful but nobody is communicating, and that always pisses me off. I don't want to go to Best Buy tonight, and I might not. I like the idea of working there, because I know the money is eventually going to allow me to buy things I want. I just wish the work was less....demeaning. I mean, retail at 26? Really? I guess I should be thankful I have two jobs. Still, I think I might call in today and watch the biggest loser finale instead.

Calorie count is a bit high...but I think it will even out...
Cheese Its (for breakfast, hehe) - 150 calories
Grapes - 50 calories
THREE bags nuts - 300 calories
Energy Drink - 180 calories

subtotal - 680 calories

For lunch I plan on having a big healthy salad (150 calories tops)...
Dinner I'm going to have my 'omelet' since I didn't get it this morning. But, I think I'll make it pretty big, like twice the usual size...just figured it to be around 300 calories. So, I think I will also be getting a Pumpkin Patch Smoothie at lunch, as a treat :). It is 380 calories for the small one, but it is soooooooooooooooooooooo good! That will put me at 1510 calories for the day. Not bad.

At the gym today I am not doing weights...So, I think I'll do 10 min Elliptical to warm up (~100 calories), run 1.5 miles (~300 calories), then another 15 or so minutes on the Elliptical (~150) calories, and then my ab workout (~100 calories).

I'm super nervous about running 1.5 miles today. I don't know why I think I won't be able to do it. I mean, I did it once. I just have to push. If I want to be able to run 3 miles in January, I if I want to be able to do a Triathlon in May...well then 1.5 miles should be the LEAST of my worries. (These are samples of some of the random thoughts I use to keep myself motivated.)

Okay, I think I'm going to take a quick walk. Thanks for reading! :)

Addicted to nuts...

The food, you perv! But really, I can't stop eating them. I get them in these 100 calorie packs, especially the ones that are cocoa flavored...omg, must stop buying them because I can't stop eating them.

So, today I'm feeling pretty awesome :)

Thus far I have eaten -

Egg whites, w/sauteed veggies, & cheddar cheese - 180 calories
3 100 calorie packs of nuts (told ya so) - 300 calories
Freebirds Steak Salad - 550 calories
And I'm drinking an energy drink right now - 180 calories
------------
subtotal - 1210

Honestly, a little high for so early in the day. BUT, tonight all I'm gonna have is a grilled turkey filet thinger and some sauteed squash/zuchini/potato/sweet potato mix thinger. That should be 300 calories tops...so, very close to 1500 calories today.

I can do this...

A couple of weeks ago I got this fortune cookie that said
"Don't pursue happiness - create it."

I think that applies to a lot of things, like:
"Don't pursue success - create it."
"Don't pursue weight loss - create it."
"Don't pursue great food - create it."
"Don't pursue anything really....just create it."

Because we honestly have the power to create whatever it is we want. In truth creating something often times involves pursuing it...but, when you realize you are actually creating it, then you realize YOU have the POWER to get something done. You can't just sit around waiting for it to happen.

Very excited about my workout today. I'm gonna lift weights for a good 45 minutes (at least), then I plan on getting on the Elliptical for 10 minutes, get my heart rate up, and then run for 1.5 miles! My first day of a mile and a half! I'm super excited to meet this goal! Then I'm going to cool down either walking for 10 minutes or getting back on the Elliptical for a bit.

Candice said something really neat today. (Hope she doesn't mind me stealing this), but she said, "Imagine if someone said 'You MUST gain 2 pounds this week!'" How many of us would have a problem doing that? I know I wouldn't. I mean, if someone told me I must gain 15 pounds this week I could probably do it. So reverse that, "You MUST lose 2 pounds this week!" Why does that sound so much harder? It shouldn't really. 2 pounds is 2 pounds, no matter what direction you are going.

All we have to do is exercise and watch what we eat, eventually the weight will come off.

I have also been thinking about my last post with the questions. It has really been helping me to think of things long term, like "How is this effecting where I want to be in five years?," etc. It is helping me to not sweat the small stuff and to really reconsider stupid decisions. It is funny that not sweating the small stuff is really preventing me from giving up. It is all such a mental game, with such physical results.

Oh, and BTW...apparently, I want to be an elephant in five years because I can't put down the nuts! Ah!

Friday!

Soooo tempted this morning to stop off at some fast food restaurant and get a hot breakfast...but I didn't, and I'm now enjoying a 60 calorie cup of hot chocolate. After this I'll have a bowl of instant oatmeal, if I'm hungry.

Last night I dyed my hair very dark brown, and this morning I love it! It looks much more natural and I think it looks elegant. This sounds very cheesy, but I've always wanted to have very dark hair in the winter...and now I do! :) Plus, it might snow today!! In Houston, Texas that is a BIG deal.

Last night I bought a new workout outfit. I refused to buy anything XL, and instead got a large pair of pants and shirt. They are both 'snug', but they do fit and aren't completely unflattering. I'm excited to watch them get baggier over the next couple of months. Also excited to wear them at my workout today...gonna do all my weights, 30 minutes on the elliptical, and then I'm going to run a mile. I want to get really warm before I run, because it is SOO freaking cold outside. Plus I want to push myself.

Last night I got a call from my part time job and they cut all my hours this weekend...which sucks, but is also awesome. That means I have plenty of time to workout like crazy and read and go to book club...and do laundry (yuck!). Might also hang out with Candy if she is feeling better (yay!).

So I saw this on a blog yesterday, and I kind of wanted to do it too....

What do you want to accomplish today?
Today I want to stay under 1500 calories, do all my weight training, do 30 minutes on the elliptical, and run 1 mile.

What would you like to have done by next week at this time?
By this time next week I want to find it easy to stay at 1500 calories a day, I'd also like to be able to run 1.5 mile w/out stopping comfortably.

What do you think will be the same/different in one month?
In a month I think I will be able to run 3 miles without stopping, I will begin swimming at a local pool, and I will start to save money for a road bike. I'm also going to start school!

What would you like to have done/changed one year from now?
One year from now I want to be at my healthy weight. I want to have finished everything on my goal list for this year. I want to start paying more towards my debts. I want to start dressing nicer.

What would you like your life to look like in five years? Really think about it. Five years from now, how old will you be? What will your relationships look like? Your job? Your body? Your home? In five years, describe yourself and your life... what you WANT it to be.
In 5 years...I want to have graduated from college, I want a job that I enjoy, I want to move to Austin, Texas and either purchase a new home or town home, I want to own an RV and a nice truck, I want to have good credit, I want to be working on my masters, I want to be in good enough shape to start training for the Iron Man Triathlon.

And then, when you have done that, go back to question #1 and tell me how what you are doing today is leading you to what you want to see in your life in five years.
I think that is pretty obvious :)

A bit stressed but good...

Yesterday I know I went over my calorie limit. I probably hit 2500 calories...but, I also ran a mile and did weights. I really don't feel bad about it. I just care about that mile right now...I gotta push it up to 3 miles.

Still, today I'm going to try to keep my calories in check. It feels good not to beat myself up about splurging yesterday, but I also feel like it is a waist of time not to eat right if I'm going to the trouble of running a mile. I can't explain what a HUGE change of mindset that is. To not feel soooo guilty about going over my goal calorie range that I go into a free fall of binging. Instead, I don't want to waist my time eating crappy food? What a wonderful way to think of it! Not even waist my time, but I don't want to waist my effort.

On an irritating note, the VW sprung an oil leak today. Rg. I have a feeling it is an easy fix, but I really don't like losing my newly found independence even for a day.

But, my husband did promise me he'd take me to the gym today whenever I wanted. My boss has a meeting at 1, so I will probably go then. I want to Run a mile, duh :) or at least go as long as I can...then walk the rest of the big trail at work. Depending on how long that takes me I may also jump on the elliptical for a bit. Of course I need to do my ab work.

Right now I'm going to go take a walk out side. I got a scarf and some gloves yesterday since it has been pretty chilly outside.


Oh...almost forgot...

RUNNING SCHEDULE
(in order to run 5K by 1/9/09)

12/2/09-12/6/09 : Run 1 Mile 5 days per week
12/7/09-12/13/09 : Run 1.5 Miles 5 days per week
12/14/09 - 12/20/09 : Run 2 Miles 5 days per week
12/21/09 - 12/27/09 : Run 2.5 Miles 5 days per week
12/28/09 - 1/3/09 : Run 3 Miles 5 days per week
1/4/09 - 1/8/09 : Run 3.5 Miles 5 days per week